Sack of %$#@

I don't exactly make a habit out of learning things written on bags. Okay, so when I was younger, our neighborhood grocery store had "Thank you" in all different languages printed on their bags. I mean, otherwise how would I know that "dziękuję" is Thank You in Polish? But pretty much that was the only time I looked a shopping bag and thought "Hey, maybe I could really learn something from this item specifically designed to be thrown away!" Then I got this bag:

So, Lululemon is allegedly a very overly expensive store that sells over priced fancy workout clothes. Not shockingly, I haven't found myself perusing their racks before. But somehow, I came into possession of this bag. It's quite nice, I must say. The perfect size to carry my lunch to work in. Spill-proof. It's great. Um, then I took a closer look at it, and I think I'm going to boycott Lululemon from now on. Here are some words of "wisdom" from the bag - seriously these are taken exactly from the bag:

Do one thing a day that scares you. Um, you know what scares me? Meth. And having my face eaten by a cat. Drinking moldy orange juice. Getting hit by a car. So what, are you really suggesting I give one of those things a shot today, Lululemon? I think not. I'd consider you at fault if I ever develop meth mouth, and will be sure to send you my dental bill.

Dance, Sing, Floss and Travel Okay, first of all, I think you're missing a comma there. Also, slow your roll. Floss AND Travel? Who do you think I am, Super Woman? Sheesh. My advice is that you should have stopped at "Dance, Sing, and Floss". That's cuter, more succinct. Not as pretentious-sounding. Don't you think I'd LIKE to be traveling right now, inanimate bag? If only we were all so lucky to NEED A REMINDER to take a vacation.

The pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness. WHOA. That's horribly depressing. Also, haven't they ever heard the phrase "It's not the destination, it's the journey"? Lighten up, shopping bag.

Drink fresh water and as much water as you can. Water flushes unwanted toxins from your body and keeps your brain sharp. Where do I even BEGIN with this one? First of all? "Less than 1% of the world's fresh water (~0.007% of all water on earth) is accessible for direct human uses." Sure that doesn't have the same ring to it, but hey. It's the truth. Oh, and one more thing, Bag. "Water intoxication, also known as overhydration, is a potentially fatal disturbance in brain functions that results when the normal balance of electrolytes in the body is pushed outside of safe limits by over-consumption of water." Yup, I just schooled you, Bag.

Okay, this is a long one, but...Nature wants us to be mediocre because we have a greater chance to survive and reproduce. Mediocrity is as close to the bottom as it is to the top, and will give you a lousy life. OUCH! What the H, Lululemon? First of all, the first sentence tricked me into thinking "Hey, sometimes it's okay to be mediocre, because then I have a great chance to survive and reproduce." Then they say I'm going to have a lousy life? Get your crappy advice straight! And hurting my feelings via screenprinting is just cowardly. Where's your clever, quippy quote for that, Lulu? "Cowards are okay, as long as they work out and never really have any problems." Jerks.

One more long one. Communication is complicated. We are all raised in a different family with slightly different definitions of every word. An agreement is an agreement only if each party knows the conditions for satisfaction and a time is set for satisfaction to occur. Um, is this a shopping bag or Westlaw? Did I just pass the LSAT?!

I don't know why I got all worked up reading this stupid bag. All I know is that it sounds like there should be a position available as "bag writer" at Lululemon. Because anyone who writes "Jealously works the opposite way you want it to" just isn't doing jealousy correctly and doesn't deserve to write about it.

The Marathon Weekend

Wowza, you guys. Marathons are huge challenges. It takes more than heart and dedication to succeed at participating in marathons. You need the drive to continue, even when you think you can't stand one more minute. You need the strength to pull yourself up against all odds. It's no wonder that not many people can actually handle marathons. But I? I am a champion. I succeed when others fail, I defy the odds and rise up against adversity. I participated in not one, but 2 marathons this weekend. So why do I feel so lazy?

Oh that's right. They were TV Marathons.

Yikes. Listen, I'm not proud of my very serious relationship with my TV this weekend, but I can no longer deny it. It was a situation I couldn't get out of. What, is it just a COINCIDENCE that there was a cycle of America's Next Top Model on all day Friday that I haven't seen before? NO. And on Saturday, what, am I just supposed to turn OFF the Law and Order: SVU marathon? No, sir, I cannot do that. It's educational. I'd be stupid NOT to watch!

To make matters even worse, it was 75 degrees and sunny outside all weekend. I am sure I'll be kicking myself come February when it's all blizzardy and treacherous outside, and I'll be thinking "I would give ANYTHING for a weekend like the one in August when I just laid around inside all day painting my nails and not brushing my teeth." Idiot. But my roommates were gone, I was feeling a little down and missing Geo - I actually DID want to go golf, but my friends who like to golf are way too good to be seen with me. Geo likes golfing with me and would have loved to go with me. It probably would have felt like cheating to go without him, so I decided it best to avoid the situation and get back to Tyra Banks and her crazy weaves.

I know, I know. It was a pretty lame way to spend a whole weekend. But it couldn't be helped. It started because I was not feeling well after a super fun night with Kim and a couple friends. We were up until like 4:30 in the morning, so the next day was - um - painful. I thought "What could an hour or two in front of the ol' boob tube hurt?" Cut to....well, right now. Apparently, I must still be recovering.

It's not like I just didn't have any options, though. There were invites to brunch, texts to go out, laying poolside...lots of deliciously fun options were proposed to me. But for some reason, I just got sucked into the television abyss.

I mean, what a cruel joke the networks play on us poor, unsuspecting people? MARATHONS?! Are you kidding me? They all but DEMAND a compulsion to watch. I pried myself away a few times to do things like grocery shop, bake (and eat) some cookies, and do some Zumba (you know, to counteract the cookies), but each time, I kept strolling back to the TV room to check in on Detectives Benson and Stabler. Is there any case they can't solve??

Yeah, not exactly my proudest moments this weekend. I guess I needed to catch up on my...uh...laying around? Being antisocial? Whatever it was, I think I succeeded in catching up on it. It wasn't easy, though. I wanted to give up more than once. Give up and go outside, or unpack some boxes in my room, but I stuck to my guns. I'm really hoping this is the only weekend I participate in marathons of any kind because it really took it out of me. Hang on though...aren't I supposed to get a medal or something? I certainly earned one...

Bringing "Awesome" Back

Do you guys just ever have those days when you just feel like...UGH! Like, you've been put through the wringer? That was my day today. Obviously, it's been a day for me, seeing as how I'm getting this blog posted all late at night. I need a pick-me-up. Don't you? Here's what we're all going to do tonight. Let's make a list about how AWESOME we are, shall we? I'll start...

Reason #1 Why I'm Awesome: I think people tell good stories. I don't care if it's the most boring story ever, I still get engrossed. No matter who I'm talking to, THEY are the most interesting person ever in the history of time. I like stories. And I like it when people TELL me stories. Okay, so some of them are legit bad stories with, like, no point to them, but chances are I'll like the way you get all amped about whatever you are saying and I'll ask a zillion questions and you'll get annoyed because you just want to finish the story, but I'm all into the details and at the end of the story you'll always be all "Wow, Pharon totally loved that story." I think that's a pretty sick skill that most people don't have.

Reason #2 Why I'm Awesome: I enjoy reading both Cosmo and Kerouac. Hey, both of them have very insightful views on how to feel good naked life.

Reason #3 Why I'm Awesome: I'm smart without being annoying. Listen, you might be shocked to know that I know lots of stuff. I may not go around shoving facts about Shakespeare in your face, but trust that I have FACTS ABOUT SHAKESPEARE. Nothing is more annoying than a know-it-all. Typically, I keep all my super smart Pharon-isms to maself. However, when I went car shopping with Liz the other day, I peppered in facts about Bugatti that were probably, like, ALL TRUE. Turns out...just because it's on TV doesn't make it untrue.

Reason #4 Why I'm Awesome: I'm a bad liar. I recently tried to tell a lie to my friend Kim, and no one bought it. I have an uncanny need to be honest with people. Do you look fat in those jeans? Maybe. Do you think she's cheating on me? Um, she's not NOT cheating on you. Lies just get you into trouble, and no one likes being in trouble.

Reason #5 Why I'm Awesome: I'm going to fix your problem. I don't care or know what it is, but I'm probably just going to go ahead and solve it for you. I like fixing things. At first, I thought it was limited to my abilities to fix furniture and tiling around the house. BUT! I guess it also applies to, like, personal lives. Got a bad co-worker? I'll give you the perfect snarky retort to her next put-down. You'll win everytime, I promise.

Reason #13 Why I'm Awesome: I'm not good at math, and I embrace that.

Okay, I'm starting to feel a wee bit braggy. I'm almost certain that there's nothing wrong with publicly jotting down you best traits so that other people have to read them. I personally think more people should do this kind of thing more often. I just think it's so dumb when people try and make you feel, uh, not awesome Go ahead, guys. Make an Awesome List today. I know you've got a bajillion of reasons why YOU are awesome. Then send your favorites my way, and I'll showcase them on the here. Post 'em in the comments or shoot an email to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll showcase them here for all the fives and tens of people to read. You deserve to be noticed for your awesomeness!

Okay, let's all be great this weekend, shall we? I promise to if you do. And if people forget to tell you this: YOU ARE AWESOME.

Dear Crabby

Well hooray for my awesome Book Club! This month, we decided against the cliche "read a book" and instead opted to go to the movie The Help because it was the first book we read in our club oh so many months ago. It was good. Lots of laughs, some people shed a few touching tears...it was a gooooood time. But now it's down to business...

Dear Crabby,

I'm worried I'm undate-able lately. I'm always a guy's FRIEND, never anything more. I've tried asking guys out, only to end up discussing their own problems with another girl. I mean, they're nice and all, but I want more. More than a few men have told me they see me as "one of the guys". And I've tried asking them to hook me up with any single guy friends they have, but nothing ever materializes. What can I do get out of Friend Territory, and into Something More??

Thanks!
A Guy's Best Friend

Well, for starters, try getting in with guys who are available. Secondly, it's tough out there, lady. I know plenty of awesome single ladies who are frustrated. Here's the deal, though. I think you just have to keep plugging away. Oh, and how's your self-esteem? I'm pretty sure if YOU'RE confident, you'll have no trouble succeeding. Unless you're crazy. Are you crazy? 'Cause crazy girls are tough to fix up. Be honest with yourself, and your expectations, and go from there. As long as you're confident, and totally NOT crazy, I have nothing but faith that you'll find the right dude. Keep at it, though, and step outside your comfort zone and you might be surprised with what you find. Good luck out there, player!

Dear Crabby,

I know it's summer and everything, but I LOVE the look of a denim mini skirt and Uggs. I'm getting a little older though, but are there any times it's okay to mismatch seasonal attire? I live in Wisconsin, so we're not exactly the fashion capitol of the world, but we're not hicks either! Tell me, though, can I get away with the Uggs/mini skirt??

Thanks!
Confused Couture

No. It's NOT okay. Step away from the Uggs...especially in the summer. You are not Britney Spears circa 2005. Put them away, and strap on some cute sandals. Let your poor tootsies breathe! I don't care if you live in Wisconsin or Tokyo or what. It's not okay. Consider this your Tough Love lesson. You will look like an idiot if you choose that outfit. Sorry. I love you, but just...no.

Dear Crabby,

Sooooo....I'm getting married this winter, and I'm pumped! Now, I'm trying to figure out the details on bridesmaid's dresses. What color(s) should I choose? What style? How much is too much to ask my gals to spend? I really don't want to be all Bridezilla about it, you know? What do you think?

Thanks! Love love love you!
-I Do (Not Want to Be a Bridezilla)

Hey yooo...here's all you need to do. Spend some quality time with the TV when there is a Bridezilla and/or Say Yes To the Dress marathon on. You'll learn more from those shows than I could ever teach you. It's like they're Yoda. But I guess I'll just tell you this, though: Don't ask them to do anything for you that you wouldn't be willing to do for them. Because if you abuse your bridal power, karma will come back around punch you in your newlywed butt and you'll be at your friend's wedding in a neon orange, puffy-sleeved monstrosity. Just focus on having fun, and making it special. I'm sure everyone will look great! Send pics to me after the wedding!!

Alright, those were pretty easy. I guess it's okay though, since I'm pooped and I'm ready for bed. Are you still hungry for more, though? Didn't quite get your own personal problem solved? Send in your questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com and get your question answered by the smartest person in the world! (Me, in case you were confused.)

Internot Date

EEEEE! I'm so excited! Tonight will be the first time I have seen Geo since he left for Alabummer! Stupid AT&T can't figure out how to hook up their OWN EQUIPMENT at his new place, so Geo has been without internet and cable since he left. (Point: Minneapolis.) Anyway, he has this random internet thing that gives him a temporary (and unreliable) internet connection, so now he can record his podcast with the boys, and then Skype me! I've missed seeing his face so much, that I'm actually NERVOUS to see him! It definitely does not help that I've just completed a Zumba workout and won't have time to shower before the call. But do I put on makeup? Put on my Prom dress? I don't know! I feel like it's our first date. At least I don't have to brush my teeth.

Boo. The podcast recording is going long, so I've got another hour to kill before my "date". Guess I have no excuse for not showering anymore. So what now? Do I put makeup back on? Change out of pajamas and into some awesome sequined shirt? I mean, I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard, but I want him to know I tried, you know? Dilemmas, dilemmas.

I've frequently Skype'd with my best pal Madeline, who lives in Chicago. I usually don't care what I look like on those calls (sorry, Madeline!) so this is creating some new anxiety. And you know how when you Skype, ALL you can do is stare back at yourself in that little window? You're ALWAYS distracted by your own gorgeous reflection (Thanks, Narcissus). And the lighting, no matter where you are, is sketchy at best. Shadows are cast in unfortunate places, it's too bright on your forehead, the light behind you makes it look like you're a ghost emerging from the great Beyond...none of it's very flattering.

On top of all that, this isn't just a phone call, so every nose pick, every roll of your eyes, every heap of dirty laundry behind you is all just right there for the other person to see. And you've got to be ENGAGED in the conversation. What if my mind wanders and I find myself in la-la land, and I absently just get up to go to the bathroom? Faux pas! Ugh...nerves!

Okay, so the call with Geo is dunzo now. Good thing I didn't put a bunch of makeup on because the second I saw him, I got all girlie and weepy. That lasted like 25 seconds. Then I told him he needed to decorate his room more because his walls were too bare. Aaaah...nothing gets rid of the sad like a good ol' nagfest. Then his makeshift internet crapped out about 8 minutes in, so all the wardrobe decisions I had gone through were for naught. I asked Geo, when he called me to tell me his internet just wasn't cooperating, if he noticed that I had been wearing one of his favorite shirts. He said "I couldn't see anything...you were just playing with your hair so much." Add that to the list of habitual tendencies that I need to keep in check on Skype.

So, the night ended much the same way it does every night. A phone call, a distracted trip to the bathroom to tweeze my eyebrows during the phone call, and a promise that this will all get easier. I don't know how people made long distance work before internet, because even the phone calls just don't seem to cut it sometimes. But, when all is said and done, it was good to see Geo's face, no matter how short it lasted. I noticed he had shaved, he said he could tell I had recently showered. Romance is not dead, friends. But if anything comes out of this situation, it's my strong hatred for AT&T and their inability to hook up Geo's internet properly. Do they not realize what they're doing to my relationship? Jerks.

Allllllright, I'm gonna hit the hay. All this prepping and virtual disappointment really takes it out of a gal. Until tomorrow, why don't you all get started on writing letters to Congressmen about the suckiness of internet service. Okay? Okay!

Neighborhood Watch

Okay, so you remember a looooooooooooong time ago when I wrote an open letter to my neighbors? Well, go refresh your memory if you don't. At any rate, being that I've been in the new digs for almost 2 weeks, I feel completely qualified and prepared to address my NEW batch of neighbors.

To the people who walk around the neighborhood All. The. Time. Where are you going, exactly? You're just walking around with no real destination? It's a foreign concept to me, since I used to live a mere 7 houses away from a big ol' lake with a walking trail around it. I was used to people walking TO the lake, then AROUND it, and then back home. Without a lake anywhere near me, I'm confused by the concept of just walking around your own neighborhood. Wouldn't that be boring? Plus, it's almost spying on your neighbors, I would argue. You're all strolling around, watching as people cook out in their backyards, listening to the dinner conversations of people unaware that you are meandering just outside their bushes. It's rude, right? I mean, I can see walking around the 'hood every once in awhile, but people in these parts do it pretty much every night. Neighborhood walkers? You're creeping me out.

They are also making me feel like a crazy person. Please note that I am definitely NOT a crazy person. I mean, in most neighborhoods, I'm the least crazy person ever. But here, all the people are all "put-together" and "wear matching shoes all the time" and probably don't "eat handfuls of Bac-Os for dinner". Because my only interaction with my neighbors has been at the bus stop thus far, I will have to go ahead and generalize. Everyone around me is a 20-something lawyer, who is happily married, possibly trying for a couple rugrats, eats a balanced dinner every night, and chats about how much you are allowed to water your lawn. Then here comes The New Girl (a.k.a. Me). Sometimes I have wet hair at the bus stop. There are days when I'm listening to Lil' Wayne very loudly on my iPod. I watch Saved by the Bell in the mornings, not the news. And I am not against going to the grocery store in my pajamas. Over in the old neighborhood, I blended in quite nicely with the hipsters and the very old people. At the very least, I was invisible amongst the masses of people doing everything they can to stand out. But here, I feel like I'm the delinquent squatter intruding in Picket Fence town. I'm like the eccentric lady who sews her own wigs out of cat sweaters or something. At least that's how it feels. They all seem to have this smug sense of satisfaction with their briefcases, and their $100 haircuts, and phones that have working internet. Well, you're making me feel weird, Very Young, Successful and Responsible People, so cut that out post haste.

Finally, please - for the love of all that is good and holy - learn how to parallel park if you insist on parking your Prius in front of your house instead of in your garage. Do you REALLY need 5 feet of space between you and the car in front of you? No, dudes. You don't. And what's wrong with parking next to the curb instead of on top of it, or 26 yards away from it? The curb is your friend, guys, not something to be afraid of. Oh yeah! And when I'M speedily parallel parking, feel free to NOT almost side-swipe me because you can't be bothered to tap your brakes. It takes me all of 15 seconds to ace my parking job, so just hold your horses and wait a second. Maybe take some notes while you wait...I'm basically the best parker ever, so Bad Parkers, consider yourself lucky to be getting a free lesson.

That feels good. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Chances are, I probably have a lot more in common with my neighbors than I think, but sometimes you just can't help but judge a book by its cover. In this case, they are an Encyclopedia (for all you youngsters, an Encyclopedia is a book where information is. Like a hard copy of Google) and I am a tattered, but still totally awesome, paperback copy of Summer Sisters by Judy Blume. Both are good, but you don't really put them together on the book shelf. Regardless, we are all books and are full of good stuff. Meanwhile, this book analogy has gone on long enough. Let's just close this chapter, shall we?

The End.

I Looked Awesome in College (Trust Me?)

Long story short, my girlfriend Freda came into town tonight. We chatted. reminisced, you know how chicks do. Anyway, I had a great time catching up and I showed her the Minnesota scenery by taking her to dinner on the Mississippi River, which was very lovely.

But then we started sorting through old pictures. I learned a few things. First? I looked awesome in college. Second? I looked AWESOME IN COLLEGE. We went through dozens of pictures and I miss the days of printed photographs. It's just not the same as breezing through albums on Facebook. It was so much more pleasing to hand the tangible pictures back and forth with Freda. I wanted to post a picture here, but the internet connection is just not cooperating right now. I'll post a very nice pic soon illustrating just how AWESOME I LOOKED. UPDATE: Just got the World's Best Picture uploaded.

Proof:

LOOKIN' GOOD, LADY. This was taken, I believe on the night of my 21st birthday. I'll assume that since I appear to be in one piece, this was a picture taken before going out to celebrate with a beer or twelve. I dig my kicky matching sweater set and handmade crown. That lei is a mystery, though, as I did not attend college in Hawaii. I guess it looks festive though? Based on the look on my face, I'm ready to celebrate.

Also? Please note the eyebrow ring. That's right, I was a rebel and had my eyebrow pierced on a whim, on my way to an English class. I think it looks fancy in this pic.

Anyhoozle, I gotta call it a night. It's late, I'm exhausted, and I'm a mature adult who needs to get up for work tomorrow.

Alright guys, let's make this week epic, shall we?