So, I was just laying on the floor in the middle of my apartment thinking about some really important stuff. Initially, I was all "OMG, I have GOT to sweep these hardwood floors" but then I was all "Poor Lindsay Lohan."
Homegirl got in another accident last night. There's nothing I like about Miss Lohan except her memorable turn as a normal person in Mean Girls. Great actress? No. Certifiably insane? Likely.
But I feel bad for her, you guys! She's the ideal butt of every joke ever. She's crazy, she has a crazy family and she continues to do crazy things seemingly on purpose, and I think that everyone has just decided that she's going to be crazy forever. So, I'm pretty sure that people automatically think she's a straight-up dummy.
So what, she apparently got in another accident the other night at 4 a.m.? BIG DEAL.
Here's my argument in favor of La Lohan: She is a very target-able person and people all over everywhere are set to take advantage. I mean, come on. The girl put her 100% into a critically panned movie about Elizabeth Taylor and then when it fails, we are supposed to be SURPRISED that she wants to blow off some steam and hang out until 4 a.m.? Tell me what YOU did the last time you found out that everything you worked for was hot garbage.
What would YOU guys do if you had just learned that not only did you fail at your job, but every person on the planet would learn about your poor performance? You would NOT be cool about it. Oh, OH! AND she just found out she has a half-sister. Gee, THAT'S normal news we all get and have to deal with every day...#not.
I'm not saying LiLo is sane...or sober...but I am saying that every person ever has automatically decided that this chick is a total mess and she's always drunk driving into herds of cats or kids or whatever. It's just not fair for the horrible little actress. She's gone to jail and rehab...what else do we want her to do? Everyone needs to calm down and stop deciding that these head-case nutjobs who we have granted instant fame need to "behave themselves."
Rude. If I were famous tomorrow, I'd do unconscionable things. I'd skip out on tabs, buy cars and leave them wherever they are when they run out of gas, find rich friends, buy rich friends, park wherever I darn well pleased, buy monkeys for pets and let them throw their poop everywhere...things like that.
My point is that crazy starlettes in Hollywood are both annoying and fragile. I mean yes, they are likely insane and desperate for attention, but that doesn't mean we need to add insult to injury by acting all innocent and surprised when our insatiable need for a juicy story causes them to have a nervous breakdown or crash into a person on the street as they are fleeing from paparazzi. Let's just all relax and stop being as terrible to them as they are in their latest "acting" role. Okay? Okay.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
The Waiting Game
What time is it? Where am I? What's going on? You guys, I'm a little out of sorts tonight. I only now just remembered that I hadn't posted a blog today. It's been a whirlwind evening. All day, there's been some alarm going off somewhere in my building and it's been making me act all wonky after listening to "BRRP! BRRP! BRRP!" for like 10 hours (and counting). After work, I took a nap then made a terribly unhealthy dinner, but it wasn't until about 3 hours ago that I made the biggest mistake of all.
I downloaded a game on my iPhone. A WAITRESSING GAME. There is something so incredibly addicting about this genre of video games for me. It started harmlessly, with an innocent purchase of a game called Diner Dash many years ago. It was the actual CD of the game that I put in my computer. That's how long ago it was.
All these "Dash" games consist of is WAITRESSING. The player is Flo and she serves people food, sometimes drinks, then clears their dishes and takes their money. The customers provide various levels of difficulty and timing, but it's essentially the exact same every freakin' level. I have lost SEVERAL hours to the Dash games.
The reason this is doubly weird is that I was once a waitress in real life during college. And I was REALLY BAD AT IT. Seriously. I couldn't get the timing down, I didn't have patience for indecisive customers, I forgot people's salsa roughly 90% of the time and on an average night, I'd pull in less than 10% in tips. Plus, I'm probably the clumsiest person I know. I just did not have the skill set necessary to be any good at it. I was so bad that my really good friend at the time, who was the manager at the restaurant where I worked, had to be like "Listen, you should maybe quit. Or I would have to fire you." Ouch.
So I don't know why I'm so obsessed with playing a video game version of the one job I was incredibly bad at. I thought I had kicked the Dash habit years ago. I had played the game for way too long and I eventually threw away the CD. A couple years later, I downloaded it again and got hooked again. I managed to give it up again and thought I was done with it for good.
Then today, when I was playing Words With Friends (a much more intelligent time-waster), a banner ad came up for WEDDING DASH. OMG. A Dash game that's WEDDING themed!? What are you doing to me, gaming gods?! Before I could repeat the 10 steps of addiction in my head, I found myself punching in my iTunes password and yelling at my phone for not downloading the game fast enough.
That was almost 3 hours ago. My phone battery died at one point and I sat against the wall charging my phone and playing simultaneously. The only reason I managed to pry myself away from the game - which, I should add, is EXACTLY the same as the other Dash games, but Flo serves wedding guests instead of customers - was because I wanted to talk to Geo before bed. I told him I had gotten hooked on another Dash game and he was like "OMG, you are a loser." And I was like "I know, I know. But listen, I've got tables waiting so I gotta run."
I downloaded a game on my iPhone. A WAITRESSING GAME. There is something so incredibly addicting about this genre of video games for me. It started harmlessly, with an innocent purchase of a game called Diner Dash many years ago. It was the actual CD of the game that I put in my computer. That's how long ago it was.
All these "Dash" games consist of is WAITRESSING. The player is Flo and she serves people food, sometimes drinks, then clears their dishes and takes their money. The customers provide various levels of difficulty and timing, but it's essentially the exact same every freakin' level. I have lost SEVERAL hours to the Dash games.
The reason this is doubly weird is that I was once a waitress in real life during college. And I was REALLY BAD AT IT. Seriously. I couldn't get the timing down, I didn't have patience for indecisive customers, I forgot people's salsa roughly 90% of the time and on an average night, I'd pull in less than 10% in tips. Plus, I'm probably the clumsiest person I know. I just did not have the skill set necessary to be any good at it. I was so bad that my really good friend at the time, who was the manager at the restaurant where I worked, had to be like "Listen, you should maybe quit. Or I would have to fire you." Ouch.
So I don't know why I'm so obsessed with playing a video game version of the one job I was incredibly bad at. I thought I had kicked the Dash habit years ago. I had played the game for way too long and I eventually threw away the CD. A couple years later, I downloaded it again and got hooked again. I managed to give it up again and thought I was done with it for good.
Then today, when I was playing Words With Friends (a much more intelligent time-waster), a banner ad came up for WEDDING DASH. OMG. A Dash game that's WEDDING themed!? What are you doing to me, gaming gods?! Before I could repeat the 10 steps of addiction in my head, I found myself punching in my iTunes password and yelling at my phone for not downloading the game fast enough.
That was almost 3 hours ago. My phone battery died at one point and I sat against the wall charging my phone and playing simultaneously. The only reason I managed to pry myself away from the game - which, I should add, is EXACTLY the same as the other Dash games, but Flo serves wedding guests instead of customers - was because I wanted to talk to Geo before bed. I told him I had gotten hooked on another Dash game and he was like "OMG, you are a loser." And I was like "I know, I know. But listen, I've got tables waiting so I gotta run."
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Missed The Target
There are a few times in a gal's life when it's okay to just kind of hang out and wait. Service at the bar? Waiting list for a hair appointment? All totally normal times to try and be patient. But pharmacies are not bars or hair salons, people.
Listen, I know I'm impatient. Geo tells me that every single time we are driving or in line for coffee. This girl hates herself a wait time. But I nearly lost my mind today when I woke up a sick, hot mess and needed some pharmaceutical assistance. I did the decent thing and woke up at dawn and WAITED for my doctor's office to open to call in a prescription. Then I WAITED for the stupes pharmacy to call me with the wonderful news that feeling better was one script and a short drive away.
The call never came.
I kept working, kept feeling crappy, kept waiting for the pharmacy to call and be all "You're all set, lady!" And I ate breakfast and then I ate lunch and then I kept waiting for the call. Eventually, around 1:30 p.m. I decided I couldn't take it anymore.
See, when a person makes it her business to fill a prescription 1 hour before a pharmacy even OPENS, I feel like it should be taken seriously. It's not a refill on eyelash growth hormones or something. No. I feel crappy and would like to feel better. Stat. (That's a medical term.) (Also, I realize I sound like I'm talking about crack or something, but I'm not. Just good ol' fashioned scientific advancements.)
So when it rolls around to like 5 hours post-refill request, I get worried. I ended up deciding to just get proactive. I called the pharmacy to be all "Here's my D.O.B., where's my Rx?!" Instead, I was met with "The pharmacy is closed for lunch. Please try later."
Um. Squeeze me? You're a business catering to sick people and you la-di-da off for 1/2 hour because you only hire one pharmacist at a time at a global corporation? Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Why?! WHY are there no backups for lunch? When I worked at Gap Kids, everyone's lunch was scheduled in order to keep the store running for the full day. There was never a crudely written "Be back in 30 minutes" sign hanging on the door. Nope. We managed to stay open the entire time we were OPEN. And our customers just wanted a good deal on a tshirt of moderate quality, not healing medications.
I broke into a cold sweat when I heard the "be back later" message. Was it because I was sick, or mad? Who's to say...? The point is, I was angry at the ridiculous waiting time. Eventually, when I got through to a human, I was all, "Hey, you got a 'script for me?" And they were all "Totes," and I was all "Uhhhh...so, WHEN were you going to call me?" And they were all "Uh...whoops. Did we say we were going to do that?"! And I was all "YES. I'VE BEEN WAITING A BILLION MINUTES FOR YOUR CALL," and they were all "Well, it's ready now. We cool?"
No, we are decidely NOT COOL. I'm waiting for pharmaceuticals, not a table a TGIFridays. I was promised phone call updates when I agreed to have Target as my drug dealer in favor of Walgreens. Who, I might add, does not close over lunch AND is open 24 hours. Ugh, but they just don't have the bedding and wide variety of boot socks that I need so badly when I'm shopping for drugs and toothpaste. Decisions, decisions...
Anyway, I finally got some justice when the super nice lady at the pharmacy told me to have a nice day, and all I said was "Hrmpf." BAZINGA. At least now I'm on the mend and Target will probably never recover from this crazy-fierce tongue lashing I've dished out on this blog for ones and tens of people to see.
Listen, I know I'm impatient. Geo tells me that every single time we are driving or in line for coffee. This girl hates herself a wait time. But I nearly lost my mind today when I woke up a sick, hot mess and needed some pharmaceutical assistance. I did the decent thing and woke up at dawn and WAITED for my doctor's office to open to call in a prescription. Then I WAITED for the stupes pharmacy to call me with the wonderful news that feeling better was one script and a short drive away.
The call never came.
I kept working, kept feeling crappy, kept waiting for the pharmacy to call and be all "You're all set, lady!" And I ate breakfast and then I ate lunch and then I kept waiting for the call. Eventually, around 1:30 p.m. I decided I couldn't take it anymore.
See, when a person makes it her business to fill a prescription 1 hour before a pharmacy even OPENS, I feel like it should be taken seriously. It's not a refill on eyelash growth hormones or something. No. I feel crappy and would like to feel better. Stat. (That's a medical term.) (Also, I realize I sound like I'm talking about crack or something, but I'm not. Just good ol' fashioned scientific advancements.)
So when it rolls around to like 5 hours post-refill request, I get worried. I ended up deciding to just get proactive. I called the pharmacy to be all "Here's my D.O.B., where's my Rx?!" Instead, I was met with "The pharmacy is closed for lunch. Please try later."
Um. Squeeze me? You're a business catering to sick people and you la-di-da off for 1/2 hour because you only hire one pharmacist at a time at a global corporation? Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Why?! WHY are there no backups for lunch? When I worked at Gap Kids, everyone's lunch was scheduled in order to keep the store running for the full day. There was never a crudely written "Be back in 30 minutes" sign hanging on the door. Nope. We managed to stay open the entire time we were OPEN. And our customers just wanted a good deal on a tshirt of moderate quality, not healing medications.
I broke into a cold sweat when I heard the "be back later" message. Was it because I was sick, or mad? Who's to say...? The point is, I was angry at the ridiculous waiting time. Eventually, when I got through to a human, I was all, "Hey, you got a 'script for me?" And they were all "Totes," and I was all "Uhhhh...so, WHEN were you going to call me?" And they were all "Uh...whoops. Did we say we were going to do that?"! And I was all "YES. I'VE BEEN WAITING A BILLION MINUTES FOR YOUR CALL," and they were all "Well, it's ready now. We cool?"
No, we are decidely NOT COOL. I'm waiting for pharmaceuticals, not a table a TGIFridays. I was promised phone call updates when I agreed to have Target as my drug dealer in favor of Walgreens. Who, I might add, does not close over lunch AND is open 24 hours. Ugh, but they just don't have the bedding and wide variety of boot socks that I need so badly when I'm shopping for drugs and toothpaste. Decisions, decisions...
Anyway, I finally got some justice when the super nice lady at the pharmacy told me to have a nice day, and all I said was "Hrmpf." BAZINGA. At least now I'm on the mend and Target will probably never recover from this crazy-fierce tongue lashing I've dished out on this blog for ones and tens of people to see.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Eggcellent
Hey everyone! Look who's back! Did you all have a great Thanksgiving weekend? The 10 extra pounds on my thighs will attest to the fact that I definitely had a delicious holiday. Geo just left tonight, so I decided to skip last night's blog because he was not thrilled when I tried to talk him into helping me think of what celebrities had what food for Thanksgiving on his last night back. Instead, we played Settlers with some friends and stayed up late battling barbarian hoards. COOL.
Which brings us to today. Back on track. Back to the ol' schedule. Back to non-gravy-covered food.
Lately I've been making a lot of hard-boiled eggs. (Talk about your all-time best transitions...) Anyway, I love them and they have protein and they are easy to make. Well, NOW they are easy to make. I definitely had to make them like 20 times with my "How to Boil Water" cookbook open before I had any confidence in boiling water and eggs all by myself.
Here's the problemo with hard-boiled eggs. Um, they smell like farts. Bad farts. And they make your whole apartment and refrigerator smell like bad farts. Pretty soon you're not sure if you've unknowingly transported to a sulfur mine or if your eggs are ready. Yum!
And yet, I still love 'em. Is it because they are so versatile and filling? Maybe. Is it because they are the only things I can "cook" now without a cookbook handy? Probably. In any case, hard-boiled eggs are some seriously delicious, ridiculously bad-smelling foods. Which is SO counter intuitive!
Think about it: You never are like, "Wow, whatever you're cooking smells ridiculously bad. Can't wait to dig in!" No, it's more like, "That dinner you're cooking up smells like bagels or bacon. YUM!"
Eggs. Gross.
I'd really to know who the first person was to hard boil an egg. Every other kind of egg is equally delicious but has, essentially, no scent. Scrambled? Sunny-side-up? Even soft-boiled? All great, all scentless. But then someone somewhere was like "Let's dump these eggs in water, boil 'em up and wait until they smell a cow's butt then chow down. Who wants to be the first to try one?!" Then there were probably two camps of people: The ones who ate them with mayo and bread, and the ones who decided to start throwing rotten eggs at people's houses who were mean and wore WAY too much makeup for a 10th grader and who, despite repeated polite requests, still TOTALLY took John to the hayride even though she definitely knewI you liked him.
I digress.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Smelly eggs. (Wow, really? That's where we are tonight? Okay, whatever you say, subconscious rambling.) Anyways, luckily I have unpacked my box of Christmas decorations already, and there were like 100 Christmas Tree scented candles inside. So, instead of sulfurous air pollution, my whole apartment smells like holly and Santa. And I got to add some much-needed protein to an otherwise uneventful spinach salad. Yeah. Pretty amazing day indeed.
Which brings us to today. Back on track. Back to the ol' schedule. Back to non-gravy-covered food.
Lately I've been making a lot of hard-boiled eggs. (Talk about your all-time best transitions...) Anyway, I love them and they have protein and they are easy to make. Well, NOW they are easy to make. I definitely had to make them like 20 times with my "How to Boil Water" cookbook open before I had any confidence in boiling water and eggs all by myself.
Here's the problemo with hard-boiled eggs. Um, they smell like farts. Bad farts. And they make your whole apartment and refrigerator smell like bad farts. Pretty soon you're not sure if you've unknowingly transported to a sulfur mine or if your eggs are ready. Yum!
And yet, I still love 'em. Is it because they are so versatile and filling? Maybe. Is it because they are the only things I can "cook" now without a cookbook handy? Probably. In any case, hard-boiled eggs are some seriously delicious, ridiculously bad-smelling foods. Which is SO counter intuitive!
Think about it: You never are like, "Wow, whatever you're cooking smells ridiculously bad. Can't wait to dig in!" No, it's more like, "That dinner you're cooking up smells like bagels or bacon. YUM!"
Eggs. Gross.
I'd really to know who the first person was to hard boil an egg. Every other kind of egg is equally delicious but has, essentially, no scent. Scrambled? Sunny-side-up? Even soft-boiled? All great, all scentless. But then someone somewhere was like "Let's dump these eggs in water, boil 'em up and wait until they smell a cow's butt then chow down. Who wants to be the first to try one?!" Then there were probably two camps of people: The ones who ate them with mayo and bread, and the ones who decided to start throwing rotten eggs at people's houses who were mean and wore WAY too much makeup for a 10th grader and who, despite repeated polite requests, still TOTALLY took John to the hayride even though she definitely knew
I digress.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Smelly eggs. (Wow, really? That's where we are tonight? Okay, whatever you say, subconscious rambling.) Anyways, luckily I have unpacked my box of Christmas decorations already, and there were like 100 Christmas Tree scented candles inside. So, instead of sulfurous air pollution, my whole apartment smells like holly and Santa. And I got to add some much-needed protein to an otherwise uneventful spinach salad. Yeah. Pretty amazing day indeed.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Not Quite
I'm not quite ready to come back after the super awesome Thanksgiving weekend yet. We'll return to our regularly scheduled hilarity tomorrow. Love you guys!
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
You're Welcome
Gobble gobble, nerds! It's just about Turkey Day! I'm boycotting Dear Crabby today because I really think it's important to address one very important issue.
I'm pretty sure I don't love Thanksgiving food.
How un-American is that?! I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like the components are all there. Starches? CHECK. Butter-slathered vegetables? CHECK. Gravy covered EVERYTHING? I mean, it all should really be considered CHECK.
And yet? And YET. I find myself continually shoving food in my mouth that I wouldn't typically choose over, say, bagels. I feel bad for the pilgrims and native Americans who simply didn't have access to a Bruegger's at that first dinner.
But I love eating with my family. I love passing various foods and suffering various levels of burns from touching certain dishes with my bare hands. I love chatting with cousins and aunts and uncles about what I should be doing about my the current problem in my life. It's probably not fun for them, but it's very helpful. And for that form of free therapy, I am thankful.
Thanksgiving for me is about overindulging on appetizers and coloring the "Oh, You Turkey" page in the newspaper. But then comes 120 plates of various dishes and I get overwhelmed. Instead of loading up on turkey, cranberry, stuffing, green beans and whatnot, I just panic and load up on anything made with potatoes.
Because yes. Everything potato-based is delicious, and as my mom says "Potatoes are the perfect food."
I feel like maybe I just can't handle Thanksgiving. I've never been known for my ability to pace myself when it comes to food, so I'm sure I front-load on apps and bread. I'm the cheapest date ever.
But I'm thankful for this holiday. Not only is it a four-day weekend, but it is a carb-approved holiday, which is just great. I'm also super thankful for my family, my parents, my siblings, my fiance who traipsed into town for 4 hours before leaving me again, and I'm thankful for YOU guys. Anyhoozle, I hope you take a tiny minute to be thankful for for stuff like family and friends and bagels. I know I will!
I'm pretty sure I don't love Thanksgiving food.
How un-American is that?! I don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like the components are all there. Starches? CHECK. Butter-slathered vegetables? CHECK. Gravy covered EVERYTHING? I mean, it all should really be considered CHECK.
And yet? And YET. I find myself continually shoving food in my mouth that I wouldn't typically choose over, say, bagels. I feel bad for the pilgrims and native Americans who simply didn't have access to a Bruegger's at that first dinner.
But I love eating with my family. I love passing various foods and suffering various levels of burns from touching certain dishes with my bare hands. I love chatting with cousins and aunts and uncles about what I should be doing about my the current problem in my life. It's probably not fun for them, but it's very helpful. And for that form of free therapy, I am thankful.
Thanksgiving for me is about overindulging on appetizers and coloring the "Oh, You Turkey" page in the newspaper. But then comes 120 plates of various dishes and I get overwhelmed. Instead of loading up on turkey, cranberry, stuffing, green beans and whatnot, I just panic and load up on anything made with potatoes.
Because yes. Everything potato-based is delicious, and as my mom says "Potatoes are the perfect food."
I feel like maybe I just can't handle Thanksgiving. I've never been known for my ability to pace myself when it comes to food, so I'm sure I front-load on apps and bread. I'm the cheapest date ever.
But I'm thankful for this holiday. Not only is it a four-day weekend, but it is a carb-approved holiday, which is just great. I'm also super thankful for my family, my parents, my siblings, my fiance who traipsed into town for 4 hours before leaving me again, and I'm thankful for YOU guys. Anyhoozle, I hope you take a tiny minute to be thankful for for stuff like family and friends and bagels. I know I will!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
A Truly Bad Start to every morning
I'd like to write this post to complain to the "fine" people at TBS. Now that I'm Amish and only have like 5 TV channels (one of which is Fox News, so, I basically have 4 channels) I rely heavily on the programming choices made at TBS, ABC Family and TLC. And let me tell you, people, I'm not liking what I'm seeing.
I don't know what happened when TBS decided to change their morning lineup, but I think there was a fire sale on terrible shows and TBS pounced. There used to be Saved by the Bell reruns every morning, which made getting ready for work downright amazing. Zack Attack? Yes please! But now? Allow me list the shows that command the "prime time" spots.
My Name is Earl. Home Improvement. According to Jim. Every single show ever produced by Tyler Perry.
What!? What ARE these shows? They're the WORST SHOWS EVER. They're one episode of Two and a Half Men away from ruining TV forever in a single morning. But what am I supposed to do, watch the NEWS in the morning? Turn off the TV? NO THANKS. So, I end up watching these atrocious excuses for entertainment and there's simply nothing I can do about it.
Is there any person on the planet who truly enjoys these shows? I mean, I KIND OF understand Home Improvement. (Who didn't have a crush on that middle kid when they were a preteen?) But the rest of them are simply tragic. I've pooped funnier plot lines than even the best episodes of these shows.
You'd think that a network with enough sense to get Conan and keep showing Friends and Family Guy would understand that not one show on their morning schedule elicits even one tiny chuckle from anyone who is not the boringest person ever. TBS: Very funny? I think not. Maybe the joke's on me.
Also, TBS? I GET IT. COUGAR TOWN IS COMING TO TBS IN 2 FREAKING MONTHS. I swear, if they don't stop playing the promos for Cougar Town, I'm going to buy an actual cougar to eat my TV and my eyeballs.
For all it's redeeming qualities, TBS has seriously missed the mark on entertaining me in the mornings. It's like they don't even CARE about cheering me up when I inevitably wake up cranky every morning and only want to add fuel to the fire. I don't even mind that they repeat movies mercilessly until I can memorize every line in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. But filling morning time slots with the worst shows on TV is almost enough to completely cancel out the 2 hours they dedicate to Friends in the afternoons.
Oh, also? I've watched the Tyler Perry shows. Spoiler alert: THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME SHOW. EXACTLY. THE. SAME.
Here's a helpful hint for the suits at TBS: Instead of vomiting all over my mornings, maybe consider going back to the days when you'd play Dawson's Creek or Saved by the Bell reruns. I'd even settle for a 2-hour block of pilot episodes from failed TV series.
In closing, I'd like to formally request that TBS changes its programming schedule in my area sooner than later. If I see one more scene where Tim Allen mixes up the lesson he supposedly learned from Wilson, I'm going to punch myself in the face and then punch my TV. Get it together, TBS.
I don't know what happened when TBS decided to change their morning lineup, but I think there was a fire sale on terrible shows and TBS pounced. There used to be Saved by the Bell reruns every morning, which made getting ready for work downright amazing. Zack Attack? Yes please! But now? Allow me list the shows that command the "prime time" spots.
My Name is Earl. Home Improvement. According to Jim. Every single show ever produced by Tyler Perry.
What!? What ARE these shows? They're the WORST SHOWS EVER. They're one episode of Two and a Half Men away from ruining TV forever in a single morning. But what am I supposed to do, watch the NEWS in the morning? Turn off the TV? NO THANKS. So, I end up watching these atrocious excuses for entertainment and there's simply nothing I can do about it.
Is there any person on the planet who truly enjoys these shows? I mean, I KIND OF understand Home Improvement. (Who didn't have a crush on that middle kid when they were a preteen?) But the rest of them are simply tragic. I've pooped funnier plot lines than even the best episodes of these shows.
You'd think that a network with enough sense to get Conan and keep showing Friends and Family Guy would understand that not one show on their morning schedule elicits even one tiny chuckle from anyone who is not the boringest person ever. TBS: Very funny? I think not. Maybe the joke's on me.
Also, TBS? I GET IT. COUGAR TOWN IS COMING TO TBS IN 2 FREAKING MONTHS. I swear, if they don't stop playing the promos for Cougar Town, I'm going to buy an actual cougar to eat my TV and my eyeballs.
For all it's redeeming qualities, TBS has seriously missed the mark on entertaining me in the mornings. It's like they don't even CARE about cheering me up when I inevitably wake up cranky every morning and only want to add fuel to the fire. I don't even mind that they repeat movies mercilessly until I can memorize every line in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle. But filling morning time slots with the worst shows on TV is almost enough to completely cancel out the 2 hours they dedicate to Friends in the afternoons.
Oh, also? I've watched the Tyler Perry shows. Spoiler alert: THEY ARE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME SHOW. EXACTLY. THE. SAME.
Here's a helpful hint for the suits at TBS: Instead of vomiting all over my mornings, maybe consider going back to the days when you'd play Dawson's Creek or Saved by the Bell reruns. I'd even settle for a 2-hour block of pilot episodes from failed TV series.
In closing, I'd like to formally request that TBS changes its programming schedule in my area sooner than later. If I see one more scene where Tim Allen mixes up the lesson he supposedly learned from Wilson, I'm going to punch myself in the face and then punch my TV. Get it together, TBS.
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