Zzzzzzzzz...

Okay, I'm super tired. I've been run ragged all week and all I want to do is to go to sleep. I've spent several, SEVERAL hours being self-conscious and trying to make my routine more glamorous than it is.

Listen, me likey my own stuff. Even though I have lived with Geo for YEARS and now live with two other people, I have definitely carved out my own very comfortable, very unattractive personal routine. I had designed a very specific shower timeline, a carefully crafted tooth-brushing regiment. Then, all of a sudden, Geo's back and I've lost it. I am all nutso and stressed and chronically brushing my teeth. 

So, here's the skinny...I have a big weekend of packing and moving in my immediate future. Seriously, I am moving in, oh, four days... Combine that with my constant awareness of how much I publicly burp and how bad I probably smell at any given time, and I have my work cut out for me. I have to figure out a way to look relatively attractive while sweating and packing up my blankie. 

Oh, and meanwhile, I'm trying to be very interesting and exciting for Geo. He's spent too many hours in the library to come home to a ho-hum social life. I was really hoping Punky would keep him company long enough to distract him from the fact that I need to spend several hours painting my nails while watching Lifetime TV.

Yeah. So I'm tired. My hair hurts from being yanked into unfamiliar hairstyles. My face is all caked with makeup. My body hurts from being forced into "flattering" positions. All that would be fine if I weren't also super TIRED from being super eager to do any and everything to show Geo I'm still fun. 

In reality, I'm just super tired. And judging by Geo's reaction to my latest exciting story about my girlfriends Kelly and Madeline, he's just super tired too. Let's go to sleep, shall we?

Dear Crabby

Hey Squares. What's shaking? I've written...oh...9 blogs today and I'm creatively drained. Good thing it's time for Dear Crabby! I need these prompts like Kim Kardashian needs a staff of lawyers on retainer. Awayyyyyy we go!

Dear Crabby,
How old is too old to get a body part pierced? I'm 36 and have always wanted to stick a shiny diamond in my snotty nose. Will it look dumb??
Thanks,
Waiting with anticipiercing


Hey there, Waiting-
Okay, so this is weird. Not even ONE week ago did I break the news to my friend Rachel at work that I had my eyebrow pierced for like 5 or 6 years. She was shocked. I know, I'm so wholesome! So I, of course, am biased. I love piercings. I like small, unobtrusive ones, though. Ears are great. Eyebrows, noses, you know. Ew, except those disgusting ones that stretch earlobes out enough to fit my fist though. Those are just gnarly. But I am a fan of piercings. I got mine done on a whim. On my way to a class in college. My parents hated it at first. But this girl pulled it off. When it came time for my sister Prinna's wedding, my mom even said "You know, you can leave it in. I don't even notice it anymore." Hooray! I've even considered getting it done again. Don't tell my parents. Anyhoozle, my advice is that if you keep it small and classy, you can get away with a piercing. Yes, even at 36. Just don't get any crazy-big gauges or those creepy bars. I say do it! Send in a pic if you do!!

Dear Crabby,
My wife wants to start having kids. I'm definitely not ready. I love our lives now, and I'm still into going out and not being broke. Also, I think babies smell bad and have oddly large heads. How can I break the news to her?
Thanks,
Not the Only Boy Against Babies (just) Yet

Hey there, NO BABY-
Yes, babies smell bad. And YES they look suspiciously like aliens with their huge heads. But, unfortunately, it is a well-known fact that what a lady wants, a lady gets. Your wife will win this fight. Or you'll get divorced. Your choice. You could probably delay the, uh, event, but eventually you'll be wiping a butt that isn't yours. And the weird thing about kids is that even though you hate everyone else's, you'll have no choice but to love your own. It's God's way of making us grow up. I say just have an honest conversation with the wifey. Tell her you're freaked out that you're going to miss out on all the fun us non-breeders are still having. But try - JUST TRY - to listen to her when she tells you about what she wants. I mean, she's going to win, but try and be cool about it. And take heart! You'll still have plenty of fun whispering in the garage with the guys while you drink beer and talk about poop and spit up. Yay!

Crabby Crabby Crabby...
What's with all the hipsters?
Aloha,
Hipster Hater

Hi HH,
I'm SO OVER hipsters. Now, PLEASE let me get back to hating everything and shining up my lensless glasses...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand.....scene. Good questions this week, dudes! Thanks for giving me stuff to write about so I didn't have to come up with any of my own material. Help me out for next week, wouldja?! Email your questions to pharonsquare@gmail.com and we'll get you all fixed up.

For Your (Useless) Information

It's day 3 of my major purge efforts. I've gutted my closet, my shoes, my makeup and my sock drawer. Tonight I tackled my super messy desk. So, I was going through all these papers and whatnot and found an envelope. On the outside it read "IMPORTANT PAPERS." I was all "Oooh, what could be in HERE?" Turns out? It was full of super important papers. And by "full of super important papers" I of course mean "full of useless garbage that no longer makes sense." Tomato, tomahto.

College people do not know what "IMPORTANT PAPERS" are. At least I didn't. The first thing I found was a handwritten list my friend Madeline and I had compiled called "People We Want to Marry". On the list was like "Person who invented beer. Person who invented F.A.C. and The Vikings." Aim high, ladies. Don't wanna lose THAT gem of a document!

There was an old check register. Completely empty. Turns out my fiscal responsibility developed at an older age...However, there was ALSO an unopened bank statement from my college bank, which could arguably be referred to as "important". My guess is that I was too scared to open the Letter From The Bank but figured I may have to refer back to it should I have to file for bankruptcy or something. At least that shows some long-term planning skills.

I also found a clipping out of a phone book (what's a phone book!?) that was an ad for something apparently. It had a drawing of a dad holding a baby...well, you guys just need to see this.

Um, guys?? What kind of person not only cuts that out of a phone book but then makes a conscious decision to add it to an envelope supposedly dedicated to "Important Papers"? The kind of person who STILL thinks it's funny, that's who...

Eventually, I found some old pictures of me looking skinny that I concurred were indeed important. And also a poem I had written for my best girlfriends in college - which was hilarious. I moved those to my NEW grown-up "Important Papers" folder with health insurance and 401(K) info.

Among the other vital pieces of information were a laminated beer label (what?! Where did I get access to a laminating machine? Also, why was I ever drinking Bud Light?), a Gap receipt for what appears to be a $75 sweater, a user guide for my Nokia cell phone, an empty matchbook, and a note from a bartender at our favorite bar. It read "ALREADY BEEN HERE!" and it was our free pass back into the bar because there was a $10 cover and we really wanted to leave and get a grilled cheese sandwich. That note was basically world's coolest Get in Free pass. That definitely went into my new "Important Things" folder.

I wasn't sure if I should be pleased or disappointed in myself. On the one hand, it really shows that life was a little simpler back then. On the other hand, it was proof that I had some growing up to do. Now, I just need to come to terms with the fact that I decided to KEEP that phone book ad and a permission slip from a bartender in my new grown-up folder.

Happy MemTOErial Day

Yeah, so the title of this blog is, you know, ehhhh... However, I've been ready for this post all weekend. You know how people constantly take pictures of their FEET on vacation? Like "Hey, here's proof that my feet were near some body of water!" You know what I mean. Anyway, I didn't go ANYwhere this weekend, but I was all about playing footsie on this vacay.

So, here's my crazy Friday night. Watching a Law and Order: SVU marathon with Punky.

Then Claire and I spent Saturday afternoon doing crafts.

Finally - FINALLY!!! - Geo came home for the summer!

And we went out for dinner...

After a delish din, we decided to go bowling.

The next morning, Geo had a hankering for some $1 blueberries and corn dogs, so we went to the farmer's market.

Geo needed a nap after all the marketing, so I decided to go through all my clothes and shoes and take out the crap things. (I ended up with 2 giant lawn bags of stuff I don't want.)

After an afternoon of organizing and purging, Geo and I needed a night with some friends.

Yay! It was such a fun night. The next day, we decided to get a nice 18 holes in...on the putt putt course (Spoiler alert: I lost by 4 strokes).

Then, Geo got really annoyed with taking pictures of our feet, so he agreed to grill some pork loin, asparagus and pineapple if I would just STOP taking pictures of his feet.

Overall, it was a super dope weekend. Geo's back! Hooray! How was your Memorial Day weekend?

Clothes Call

I have nothing of import to discuss tonight. Instead, I need to worry about my roommate Claire. Guaranteed, on any given day, the girl has 90 percent of her clothes on INSIDE OUT. Or backwards. Or inside out AND backwards. See, she's a GROWN UP. A homeowner. A crazy-successful ATTORNEY. And yet?

And yet...

There are six out of seven days a week when I need to intervene on the proper direction of her clothing. Yay! I'm helping!

She tells me how mortified she is when she finds herself in a client meeting, staring down her neck at the itchy tag of her shirt. Or when she comes home from a long day at work, takes her suit off in the living room and gets annoyed when I double over, laughing, at the fact that her skirt, tank and probably underwear are on inside out.

Claire bemoans "How does this happen to me?! Shouldn't I have a 50/50 chance of getting my clothes on right?!"

Oh, Claire, no...As an adult you should have a 100/0 chance of putting your shirt on the right way.

Listen, in her defense, the girl is BUSY. She's definitely much more important than I am, so when I say things like "It's okay! It happens to everyone!" She's all "It doesn't happen to YOU!" And I'm all "Well, no, it doesn't, but wolf sweatshirts are pretty easy to get on the right way the first time."

I'll miss this about Claire. I'll miss a friend looking at me, earnestly, asking me what I think about her outfit. Then I can say something like "Well, it'd look perfect, except your leggings are on inside out. Besides that? Perfection!" Yes, that's a definite perk/responsibility I once owned living here.

Oh, I should mention...I was officially approved for my new apartment today and will be moving out in early June. For a few weeks now, Claire and I have been arguing about what we'd miss the most about living with each other. She'll miss my angry morning attitude, and I will miss her haphazard dressing. After twenty billion years of being friends, I guess we just understand how to appreciate the little things...

Dear Crabby

Hooray! It's time for another installment of Deeeeeeear Crabby! Are you as psyched as I am? Probably not... Let's get started.

Dear Crabby,
I feel like a total loser admitting this, but I really need some advice. I am a 27-year-old guy, and I'm sort of, um, afraidofthedark. I know, I know. It's pathetic! But I can't help it. Beyond suggestions of therapy or just "manning up," do you have any tips for how to deal with it? Usually it would be no problem. I just sleep with my light on. But I've started dating a girl who I really like, and she's started spending the night at my house every once in a while lately. For the first couple nights, I just stayed up, freaked out and scared out of my mind. Then I started turning the TV on and muting it, but she said the lights kept her up. What can I do?
Let the taunting begin...
Dude in the Dark

Hey Dude,
MOI?! Make FUN of a reader? NEVER! I mean, I'm not one to pick on the pathetic. (Though if I were, I'd say something like "What scaaaaary thing do you think is lurking in the dark? COMMITMENT?! Ha!") Okay, so this sounds like a real problem. I personally need to sleep with SOUND, like a TV, otherwise I start hearing all the freaky house sounds. I say you need to get her to adjust to the light that you need. That's certainly easier than you adjusting to peeing your pants while your heart races in bed. Turn on the TV after she's fallen asleep, for example. Or, get her like an adorable Overnight Kit. Chicks love theme presents! Get like a toothbrush, some sample-size toiletries for her, a brush, and then get her one of those sleeping eye masks. The satin kind. They're AWESOME. Geo says I look like a freaky bug when I wear mine, but whatevs. It'll block the light for her and make her feel all pampered and crap. That way, you can turn on a light, suck your thumb and sleep like the big ol' baby you are. (Sorry, had to get one jab in...)

Dear Crabby,
So, I'm considering getting a nose job. I've had this bump in the middle of my nose for as long as I can remember. Half my friends say they like my nose and they say it adds "character" to my face. The other half are all "Gee, took ya long enough." I'm torn, though! What if something goes wrong? What if it looks worse? What if I become addicted to plastic surgery!? Do you think I should do it?
Thanks pal,
Who Nose?

Well hello, Nose,
I'm pretty sure plastic surgery is one of the most personal decisions a gal may ever have to make. I have no idea what your nose looks like now. Is it, like, super ugly and ruining your career or something? Then sure, go in and get your "deviated septum" fixed. Plenty of people do it, and it's probably as safe as any other procedure. It won't look worse, unless they accidentally ADD TO the bump. So no worries there. But if you're this unsure about the decision, I say hold off. Take some time to smell the roses with your giant shnoz and think about it. That bump isn't going anywhere, so you've got time to think this through. After you're sure what YOU want to do, be confident in your decision and stop asking other people for their advice. Especially mine!

Dear Crabby,
What's WRONG with guys!? Why are they all such jerks?! I am sick of being treated like crap by idiot men who only care about watching TV and drinking beer. I deserve more, right?
Gracias!
MEN SUCK!!!!!!!!!

Okay, MEN SUCK,
You're a little scary right now. Sorry you probably just got dumped, but don't go knocking TV watching and beer drinking and then expect ME to have sympathy for you. I don't come to YOUR house and hate on YOUR hobbies. Anyway, guys are jerks because you are attracted to jerks. That's why. Not ALL guys are jerks. I know literally ones and twos of semi-normal, pseudo-thoughtful dudes. So the reason all the guys you like are mean to you and watch TV and drink beer and then dump you is because you're shopping in wrong department. Instead of browsing in the little boys department where they have men in hockey jerseys and hoodies, head on up to the Men's department, where they have guys in suits with manners and no mommy issues. Voila! You'll be jerk-free in no time. That, or take the stick outta your butt and watch some TV with the poor guy.

Another excellent week, guys! Help me out in the comments if you think I missed anything. And, as usual, email your freaky queries to pharonsquare@gmail.com and I'll throw you the lifeline you so desperately need. Thanks ya'll!

(Financial) Peace Out

If life as a grown up isn't exciting enough, my sister Prinna recently introduced me to a financial motivational speaker dude. This weekend, she loaned me a stack - STACK - of CDs that she tasked me with listening to in the coming weeks. According to her:

"Listen, I know it's not fun, but you NEED to listen to these CDs about financial planning. I would have LOVED to have had these before I got married. Consider them your wedding gift."

Yeah, thanks, but I have a feeling I'd rather have the Kate Spade cake cutting set.

Anyway, I took her advice. Prinna has never - in the history of time - given me bad advice. She's a mix of responsible and fun, so I have trusted her implicitly. I started listening to the first CD on my way home from her house. I just finished the first CD today and started the second. OF TWELVE. Twelve CDs guaranteed to give me Financial Peace.

Um, "peace"? I am ANYthing but peaceful.

The problem is, the guy - Dave Ramsey - is crazy charismatic. And Southern! Nothing says "You can trust me" more than a slight twang and pandering to women. (Except a British accent. That's unbeatable.) Anyhoozle, the guy is great. But He. Is. Terrifying. He's been throwing around words like "investments" and "debt" and "planning" and "financial responsibility." YIPES!

I called Prinna tonight to "thank" her for bringing this into my life. Geo, I'm sure, will be making a phone call himself shortly. I've been instructed by King Ramsey to discuss budgets and financial goals with my significant other. So far, I've learned that I am a financial hoarder and Geo may be a spender. I don't think I have to tell you that those are not exactly the most compatible combination.

Oh, hey, and HERE'S a fun fact - most marriages break up because of MONEY. That's reassuring, considering Geo and I probably are on the exact same page about everything...EXCEPT, maybe, finances. That's exciting to think about while planning a wedding!

So far, I've learned a lot about myself. I now know that I think money is terrifying. Whether you have it or not, it's really hard to manage. Oh, and guess what! There will be a day when I will have to rely on all my financial decisions that I made as an incredibly irresponsible twenty-something. That's, like, a horrible realization.

But I will stick with it. I will stick with it because Prinna thinks I should. I will stick with it because Dave Ramsey is - in spite of his horrifying reality checks - still very charming and pleasant to listen to. I will stick with it because I am too old to NOT have a PLAN...apparently. Mostly, I will stick with it because I really have a feeling it will be good blog fodder a very important life lesson.

Oh! Hey! And if every other crazy thing about me hasn't scared Geo off yet, my new-found love for a conservative financial planner may just be the last straw. In which case...Geo will call the wedding off because I'm insane and we'll each have a little more padding in our savings.

P.S. As if to add insult to injury, I had to just purchase several supporting materials to help me learn how to save and use money. Is that irony?