Dear Crabby

(OMG, again, I'm sorry about the funky spacing issues. Blogger is out to ruin my life.)

Yaaaay! Here's an all new batch of Dear Crabby questions! And awaaaaay we go!

Dear Crabby,
So, I got into a few colleges and I think I've picked out my top choice, but there's a problem. Um, I don't wanna go to college. My parents are really the ones who want me to go, but I have a great job at this laser hair removal clinic. I'm going through some training there and think I have a pretty solid future. Leaving for college is just not on my list of priorities. Also, I kind of picked a college thinking I'd never have to go there, so now I'm not liking my choice. Should I talk to my parents? What should I say?


Thank you!
Gettin' Schooled


Hey Gettin' Schooled,
I'm totally biased. You should definitely go to college if you have the opportunity to do so. First, it delays adulthood by a minimum of four years, which is great. Second, depending on the college you chose, there are probably tons of classes you can take and learn something crazy...in my case, I took a Shakespeare class, classic Greek literature, and relaxation techniques. Yup, that's a real class! Thanks, Big Ten! It's surprisingly interesting! And finally? COLLEGE IS FUN. Parties are FUN. Accidentally missing your Astronomy lecture because you are washing the tequila out of your hair is FUN. The point is, jobs will always be out there to ruin your life. Take a little hiatus and get yourself to campus. Soak up the ridiculousness and you won't regret it, I promise.


Dear Crabby,
My next door neighbor has this horrible dog that barks NONSTOP and wakes me up at all hours barking. Can I slip him a sedative without getting in trouble?


Word,
Doggone Mad

Hello Doggone Mad,
I'm pretty sure you can't give an animal a drug without a prescription. Can you write it a prescription? It'd be ADORABLE to watch a doggie go to Target and walk up to the pharmacy counter with a little prescription attached his wittle collar. Omg, would he pay for it with a MUTTStercard?! Squeee! Anyhoozle, sorry, I'm all in lovey-dog mode. I say you walk over there and talk to your neighbors. Could they keep the dog inside until like 9 a.m. whatever? Stop putting him outside after 10 p.m.? Whatever. Also, you COULD just go over there and him like some giant, monster bone that will keep him occupado for awhile. Love pugs, not drugs!! (OMG! What has HAPPENED to me?!)


Dear Crabby,
I've been seeing my awesome boyfriend for a few weeks now. We are totally in that "honeymoon" phase, but something keeps kind of nagging at me. Sometimes, he doesn't answer my texts for, like, hours. When I call him during the day at work, you know, just to tell him I love him and hope he's having a good day, he sends me right to voicemail. I sent him this really cool bouquet of flowers with a note that said "Roses are red, violets are blue, but unlike these flowers, I would die for you." and he didn't even call to say thank you! Then the other night, I drove by his house to see what he was up to. (Sometimes I'll just cruise by and see if I can see what he's doing through his windows.) And he was sitting on his couch, looking into his computer and laughing. I think he was webcam chatting with someone because he was, like, making funny faces and pointing towards his monitor. I got closer and saw there was some chick talking back to him. Is he cheating on me? Should I confront him? What's going on?


Thanks!
Concerned Girlfriend

Oh, Concerned Girlfriend...
How do I break this to you gently? This isn't easy to say, but yeah. He's cheating on you. (Hey! Turns out that WAS easy to say!) It sounds like you are pretty insane. I mean, from this question, I can't even be entirely sure he KNOWS he's your boyfriend, so I guess it might not even be considered "cheating." (Does he know you're dating each other? Has he taken you out on dates - and paid?)  I'm sorry, my lovely, crazy Square, but this sounds like a Lifetime movie that ends, well, poorly. Think: You lying on the floor next to a crazy scrapbook with photoshopped pictures of your imaginary babies with a knife in your sternum while he stands over you wondering who the crazy lady is who broke into his house and tried to steal his hair. I say, um, it's time to move on. To the asylum.

Yay! These were good questions, guys! Thanks for sending your messed up little nuggets of crazy to me! Don't forget, you other nerds, to email pharonsquare@gmail.com with any little issue that is gnawing atcha! Love you guys!

Hours of Suckeration

Dear Geniuses of the Business World,
You guys suck. You are losing business and bajillions of dollars by being all colonial and rude. Allow me to elaborate...

If you are in a business that relies on business from people who are EMPLOYED, you CANNOT CLOSE AT 5 P.M. If you are an oil changing place, a doctor's office, or, I don't know, a wedding venue, or an apartment complex, STAY OPEN LONG ENOUGH FOR YOUR CLIENTS TO COME BY.

Listen, TARGET gets it. Even Shane Co. gets it (open weekdays 'til 8). They stay open late enough for people to come on by without having to take 1/2 day off work just to run errands. People need to do things. But people ALSO need to have a job so they can afford to do said things. All these service places have it backwards.

Okay, so in case you haven't noticed, I'm stressed out. I'm trying to schedule visits to apartments, but no one is available after 4:30. Well, guess what - if you want me to be able to PAY for your crazy-expensive hole in the wall, you better stop expecting me to take time off work to come look at your stupid building. I'm sure it's lovely, but I'm betting it's going to be just as lovely after 5 p.m.

Not to mention the fact that I'm trying to visit restaurants and hotels and events centers and whatnot to see if I we should have a wedding there. WHY ARE YOU CLOSING AT 4:30!? Again, if you want people who can PAY for your venue - oh, and then be able to have enough vacation days left to HAVE A WEDDING - start being available a little later at night.

If I were smart, and I'm not, but if I were and I owned a business that relied on outside customers, I would open at noon (just in time for the lunch-break-errand-runners) and stay open until at least 8 p.m. Then everyone would be all happy and not stressed about having to take time off work.

Here's a list of places that need to switch their hours to cater to their clientele: doctor's office, dentists, salons, apartment complex owners, wedding venues, car shops, eye doctors, mortgage offices, furnace repair people, plumbers, veterinarians, interior designers, therapists, lawyers, people who deliver packages that require signatures and banks without online banking.

Here's a list of places that can keep regular hours (besides companies who work with OTHER companies who work regular hours): banks who have online banking, unemployment offices. That's it. 

So, yeah, can you guys cut us workin' folks some slack and stay open a little longer? Honestly, how many more people would visit the dentist regularly if it didn't require time off work and included maybe a happy hour martini? The answer is LOADS. Wouldn't everyone feel much happier if they could work a full day, swing by the dentist on the way home, have dinner and then get a haircut before bed? Who WOULDN'T love that?

In closing, I'm sorry. I'm totally distracted and frustrated that I can't get anything done on MY time. Then these people email me all day during MY work day. What am I supposed to do? I'm BUSY. I'm FOCUSED. I'm makin' money and accumulating PTO all so I can spend money and time buying stuff FROM THEM.

I'm no business major (I'm BARELY an English major), but I would think that all my customers would LOVE me if they didn't need to take work off to come and see me. Geez. It's not rocket science. Oh, and I guess rocket scientists can close up shop at 5. Ain't no one doing physics after hours...

Break Time

Oh Mondays...you are pretty uneventful. Today, I was type-type-typing away for work from the comfort of our den, trying to stay focused and NOT play with the cute puppers nipping at my ankles. After a couple hours of brain power, I needed a break. A couple hours later, I took another break. All told, I took roughly 5 or 6 smallish breaks to stretch my legs.

Good think I was working from home! Allow me to paint you a picture of break times.

First break, I did a little puppet show for the doggies. I used two of their chew toys and reenacted last night's episode of Mad Men. It was only a little awkward when I tried to get the purple monster toy to drink some scotch, pitch an idea to Secor Laxatives and smoke a cigarette. Oh, Don Draper!

Second break, I was hungry. I had 18 seconds while I microwaved a Vita-Muffin so I rapped a little song to my tasty treat. It went a little something like this: You are a muffin - yeah - I'm gonna eat you - yeah. You're only slightly less delicious than my pizza - yeah. Oh chocolate yummy - yeah - get in my tummy - yeah. I've always thought that Lady Gaga was a dummy.

Yeah, I didn't say it was a GOOD rap. 

Third break...let's see. That may have been the one where I checked out some apartments on my kicky new phone app - Padmapper. But nothin' doin'. Stupid apartments.

Fourth and fifth break consisted of seeing if I could fit Punky down the neck of my sweatshirt and tuck my head inside. I wanted to see if I could make it look like I was a giant person with teeny tiny dog head. It was unsuccessful, to say the least. I'm only 40 percent sure she didn't pee on my head. 

The last break was the show stopper. My Internet was being super slow so I had like 15 minutes to distract myself. Guess who worked on her dance moves in the mirror? THIS GIRL. It was an epic dance break, you guys. EPIC. There was the running man, some cat daddying, only one attempt at the worm (that ended VERY poorly) and even that think where you spin on the floor. I was ON FIRE. When I was done, I was all heavy breathing and excited and was able to bang out the last intense hours of work without batting an eyelash.

Tomorrow it's back into the office. While I'm super bummed I can't bring the pups with me to do fun plays or sweatshirt tricks with me, I'm sure THEY will be glad that I'm out of their hair and not banging around the house rapping and dancing. (I DO think they liked little puppet show.)

Sicko de Mayo

For the past few days, I've been suspicious. It started with a sneeze. Then it was a sore throat yesterday morning. Today, my suspicions came true. I am sick.

Fine, I'm not like sick sick. I have a cold, which isn't exactly the same. But I feel lousy. Only half of my nose works at any given time. My ears are filled with pudding or something because I can't hear anything. My throat hurts and my head aches. The eye makeup I had on last night is smeared all over my face and my hair looks like a rat's nest - which is unrelated to my cold, but just a nod to my present level of physical attractiveness.

Still, SOMEhow I managed to get sick in spite of my foolproof prevention methods.

For starters, I drank like 100 beers last night celebrating Cinco de Mayo. Hydration is important in staying healthy.

In order to combat the inevitability of a hangover, I consumed a well-balanced breakfast of orange juice and whatever goes into those McGriddles at McDonald's.

Plus, I am well-rested because I took approx 6 naps today so that I could recover from staying up so late both nights this weekend. I only got out of bed to answer the door when the pizza I ordered was delivered. In my defense, I DID ask Geo if he would come home and make me some tea and something HEALTHIER, but apparently my cold is not a good enough reason for him to fly home for a couple hours during finals week. Rude.

So as not to stress out and worsen my cold, I avoided all Internet browsing. Except for this blog. And ordering the pizza. No apartment hunting, venue searching or online shopping. Just me, my bed and a Law and Order: SVU marathon.

Yeah. So I have no clue how I managed to get sick. But I guess I better get back in bed. And by "get back in back" I mean "I'm already in bed because I've been here all day anyways." Seriously, I'm lookin' SUPER good today.

Female Dogs

You know what I did tonight? It's glamorous, let me warn you. First, I had delicious apps and a few brewskies with Kim and her friends Stefanie and Gretchen. Then I came home, chatted with my parents and gossiped with Prinna. But then - THEN! - the fun started.

The foster pups were following an ant tonight (I'll wait while you jot this down in your journal). They were literally trying to play with a tiny little ant. Sure, the puppies are each under five pounds, so I guess an ANT is their most appropriately-sized playmate.

I watched as they, like, alternatively lunged at the ant and tried to scare it or whatever. They'd sniff at it, and at one point, the ant got stuck on Punky's nose. I was all "I could get that off, but let's see how nature plays out..." Punky pawed at her nose, momentarily chased her own tail, and then finally sneezed the ant off her nose. Then Ellie got going.

Ellie would army-crawl up to the ant (who, I'm assuming, was just trying to carry an adorable blueberry out to his family so they could have an adorable picnic on a walnut or whatever) and then Ellie would just GROWL at the ant. The ant kept scurrying around, changing direction and just generally trying to get away.

Um, let us take a minute and think about what that ant was probably thinking. "WTF IS THIS GIANT BEAST?! Is it going to eat me? Is it going to trap me? Are we going to be friends? I don't know, I'm a tiny ant and this dog's nose is like the Hatch in Lost! What's going on!?"

Anyway, so yeah. I was still just sitting on the couch. Drinking a Summit and laughing way too hysterically at the dogs and the ant.

The dogs spent another 20 or so minutes sniffing around the ant. They followed it from the den to the dining room where the ant got crafty. He tried climbing up the wall. The dogs were all "Hey, get back here." I thought for SURE they were just going to lick the ant up and eat it and be done with it. Instead, Ellie swatted it off the wall with her tail - not on purpose.

So, I'm sitting here, watching this for way too long. I'm all thinking about apartments and venues and blogs and Geo and money and just stressing out. I started thinking about how fun it would be to be a tiny puppy. They had been spending 45 minutes chasing AN ANT. Dudes, an ant is like nature's crumbs. Pretty useless. But the dogs were having fun.

Then, for whatever reason, I stood up and just smooshed the ant. Right under my flip flop! I can't even explain why I did it! The dogs looked at me and tilted their heads like "WTF, dude?" and my heart broke. Their playmate was stuck to the bottom of my shoe and I was all "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" I scraped the ant into the vent on the floor and the pups stared at the vent for like 10 seconds. Then they looked at me. Then back at the vent. Then back at me. Then they just decided to go play in the other room.


Is that disappointment I see in their wagging tails?

The moral of this story is that I'm a bitch. Sorry, pups.

Judgey McJudgerson Learns Her Lesson

I'm not feeling Dear Crabby tonight. Plus, the mail bag is lookin' a little slim these days. What gives, yo? Bring back the fun, guys! Dear Crabby only works if something about you DOESN'T work. Next week, I want some juicy questions! Email them to pharonsquare@gmail.com and we'll get back on track.

Moving on...I got seriously HOOKED on a few songs today. After violently opposing the odd-voiced charms of one Lana Del Ray, I decided to give her another shot. I ended up listening to one song, Radio, over and over on repeat. Then I bought the album. Then I felt bad for writing her weird sound off so quickly. Then I made a list of other things I hated before discovering that I loved them. Consider this my amends.

• Geo - It's no secret that I hated him before I went all gaga over him and ultimately agreed to spend the rest of my life with him.
• Beer - I was once quote as saying, "Ew. Beer is disgusting. It smells like someone farted in a can and sealed it up with moldy water. I will never drink it willingly." Now, I am known to enjoy several PBR tall boys in one sitting. Willingly.
• Girls - I, for the most part, dislike girls when I meet them. I can't trust 'em so I write them off immediately. I did it with my friend Valerie and several others who I still haven't admitted it to. Let's put it this way: Had I never given girls a second chance, I'd have exactly three female companions. My mom and my sisters.
• iPhones - I vowed, at one point, never to be a "sheep" and have an iPhone. In protest, I got a Blackberry and tried to play it off like it was awesome. Reality checked in, though, and I realized my Blackberry was crap. I got an iPhone and never looked back.
• Sushi - I thought everyone who loved sushi was pretentious. Well, they are. But turns out sushi rolls are yummy.
• Hunger Games - Yes, I gave Geo loads of crap for liking these books. I hated on it and ridiculed him at every opportunity. On the day I decided to buy the first one - it was $5 on kindle! - Geo laughed at and ridiculed me when I was skipping meals to keep reading.
• Marriage - I thought happy couples were idiots for getting married and messing up a good thing. So far, though, I like what I'm seeing pre-wedding, so this remains to be either confirmed or denied...
• Golf - I always thought it was boring and lame and stupid. Then I drove a golf cart and hid PBR tall boys in my golf bag. It's a whole new game now, and I dig it.
• Beef - As a kid, I hated beef. Burgers, Hamburger Helper, steak...I passed on all of it in favor of butter noodles and PB&J. Now, it's not a good day without some good ol' red meat. In most cases, the redder, the better.
• Family Guy - I admit it. I HAAAATED this show before it was cancelled. I was, in fact, GLAD it was cancelled. Can people understand the baby or not?! And why does he have a British accent?! But then something clicked and now I quote it on a daily basis.
• The suburbs - I used to live and work in downtown Minneapolis. I now work way out in the 'burbs and love it. Not only that, but Claire ALMOST lives in the 'burbs and I think I've found an apartment I love that is fewer than 10 blocks away from her. 

So, it turns out, I know NOTHING about ANYTHING. I need, like, 5 times as long to accept something as other people do. Another thing I hated? BLOGGING. Well, we all know how that one turned out...

Just Cuz...

(Hey, I know...the formatting of this blog is whack. There's nothing I can do. Blogger "updated" their format and made everything harder to do. I got sick of trying to figure out the crappy auto-format functions and just gave up.)

So, I was talking to my cousin Chris on gchat today. I don't know why I go to him with my problems, because he is typically TOO blunt. He doesn't hold back. He keeps it real, yo. Some might call it rude, which I usually do, but sometimes it's also just a reality check. I think I sometimes forget that Chris used to hate me which probably factors into his habit of knocking me down a few pegs whenever I give him the chance. 

But, because I'm a glutton for punishment, I always dump my girl issues on him when he's online. He never seems to care, but he humors me for approx 2 minutes before dismissing me and changing the subject to something nerdy. (He's a smarty-pants know-it-all who can probably build a computer from sailboat parts.)

Today, I was feeling stressed out, dudes. Luckily, Cuz Chris was online. At first, I pretended to care about his work day before casually moving the subject to me and my problems. 

It started with a conversation about these blogs because I've been in a funk so I asked him for some advice:

     chris:: you write about the bizarre life of the modern woman
     i dont understand 99% of the things you obsess over
     me:  hahahaa, I don't obsess over stuff!
     chris:  you've written entire articles about hair curling
     me:  that is simply not true
     chris:  i think it might be
     me:  I think you're remembering a different blog
     chris:  are you seriously going to make me look for this
     here we go - you even have a search feature
     [did someone set all this up for you?]
     me: yes, it's a crap blogger template
     chris:  MONDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2011 "Curly Sue" god...
     me:  hahaha! I forgot all about that one
     chris:  yeah, its an entire article about curls
     me:  true dat. you've made your point


Great. So we've established that I'm not exactly pleasing my 24-34 male demographic. No wonder none of my guy friends ever have a problem when I make fun of them on here...


Before he could finish his sentence about the equalizer doohickey he developed, I brought it back to me. I guess I hadn't had my self-esteem crushed quite enough.I was explaining how stressed I am because I'm trying to find an apartment and move into it within the next 30 days. I was going on and on and on about having to move and what would I do NEXT June when I'll basically be gettin' hitched on Move Out Day. 


     chris:  wow
     wait wait wait
     you are living at your friend's house...why do you have a hard move-out date?
     me:  I set it myself....I wanted to get my own place
     chris:  oic
     so you are all stressed ABOUT A SELF IMPOSED DEADLINE
     me:  hahahahahaha
     YES
     chris:  so basically you are like "hey, self, BE ALL STRESSED OUT". 
     Sounds like this is all your own fault.


Rude. Talk about having NO SYMPATHY. He is, in fact, just making fun of me. The guy makes a good point though: I think I have only myself to blame. The lame blogs lately (yes, including this one), the terrible timing of my move coupled with my insistence to try and plan a wedding without the groom around (remember when I wanted to add a PUPPY to the mix?!)...I may not understand math, but I DO understand that there is one common denominator in all these issues. It's not you, it's me. 

Well, gee, Chris...thanks for the enlightenment. He gave me a lot to think about, though. No wonder he's a genius and I'm the one who can't figure out the Blogger updates...