God bless Kim. She came over tonight to explain, at length, that I needed to get over myself and take off World's Biggest Coat and stop whining all the time. We had some girl talk and all was good.
Oh, then we watched Tabitha's Something Or Other Take Over where a salon (in this case, it was one in Minneapolis) has this crazy woman come in and she tells them how terrible they are at their business.
Note to self: Never get my hair cut at a place that needed an intervention.
As if that weren't lesson enough, I learned that one of Kim's friends told her that basically I'm no fun this week. Wait, you DON'T like reading about the crazy woman buying VO5?? Therefore, I need to go to sleep. I have officially freaked people out and now strangers are worried about me. So, I will take a wee 7 hour rest and come back strong with Dear Crabby tomorrow.
Deal??? Deal.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Hot Oil for a Hot Mess
Add this to the list of Days Where I Reach New Lows. I woke up cranky and threw myself into work. It felt better. On my way home, however, I remembered that after 3 weeks of dining out with Geo, I had seriously neglected my grocery shopping. I almost drove into a pole to avoid having to run to Target. So I needed to focus on buying something dumb, random and fun while I was there.
Okay, VO5 Hot Oil, today is your day.
I absent-mindedly threw a bunch of healthy food that will surely go bad before I actually eat it into my cart. I was delaying the weird purchase to build suspense. I strolled through the cereal aisle twirling my dry, burned hair. Sorry, Mom, I know how much you HATE that habit of mine. "Pharon, it makes you look silly."
See, a couple weeks ago I tried to look pretty and straighten my hair. As usual, my attempt at beauty failed miserably. Guess what! My straightening iron is either broken or the devil. As I pulled it through my rats-nesty hair, I smelled something, um, not so pretty.
I had burned the front section of my hair. It instantly spiraled up in coarse little spindly strands that hung angrily in my face.
Thus the need for the VO5. To be clear, I actually have no idea what this alleged "hot oil" is or does. All I know is that on the commercials, hair looks really pretty and shiny and I want that. Plus, the product has been on The Price is Right for, like, evs so you know it's got some clout.
Finally, I pushed my cart to the hair aisle. I still had on my giant, full-length down jacket that is typically reserved for frigid nights only. But, the sad dowdiness of it seemed appropriate for my melodramatic mood today.
So I was already sweating in the stupid coat. One woman was blocking the exact part of the aisle I needed to get to to find the VO5. So I'm sweating, bobbing and weaving around World's Most Irritating Woman searching wildly for anything resembling hot oil. Never in my life have I been so angry to not see a stupid product I have never used before on the shelf at Target. I couldn't find it anywhere. I nearly screamed "I JUST WANT THE HOT OIL! I DON'T WANT 'LEAVE-IN' ANYTHING! WHERE'S THE STUPID MIRACLE OIL THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT ACTUALLY DOES?!"
I left. VO5-less. I came home, singed hair hanging limply in my face. I decided to just curl up with my new InStyle magazine and zone out in front of the TV.
I have seen 3 commercials for VO5. I still have no idea what it does but I'm certain it would have solved all my problems today.
Okay, VO5 Hot Oil, today is your day.
I absent-mindedly threw a bunch of healthy food that will surely go bad before I actually eat it into my cart. I was delaying the weird purchase to build suspense. I strolled through the cereal aisle twirling my dry, burned hair. Sorry, Mom, I know how much you HATE that habit of mine. "Pharon, it makes you look silly."
See, a couple weeks ago I tried to look pretty and straighten my hair. As usual, my attempt at beauty failed miserably. Guess what! My straightening iron is either broken or the devil. As I pulled it through my rats-nesty hair, I smelled something, um, not so pretty.
I had burned the front section of my hair. It instantly spiraled up in coarse little spindly strands that hung angrily in my face.
Thus the need for the VO5. To be clear, I actually have no idea what this alleged "hot oil" is or does. All I know is that on the commercials, hair looks really pretty and shiny and I want that. Plus, the product has been on The Price is Right for, like, evs so you know it's got some clout.
Finally, I pushed my cart to the hair aisle. I still had on my giant, full-length down jacket that is typically reserved for frigid nights only. But, the sad dowdiness of it seemed appropriate for my melodramatic mood today.
So I was already sweating in the stupid coat. One woman was blocking the exact part of the aisle I needed to get to to find the VO5. So I'm sweating, bobbing and weaving around World's Most Irritating Woman searching wildly for anything resembling hot oil. Never in my life have I been so angry to not see a stupid product I have never used before on the shelf at Target. I couldn't find it anywhere. I nearly screamed "I JUST WANT THE HOT OIL! I DON'T WANT 'LEAVE-IN' ANYTHING! WHERE'S THE STUPID MIRACLE OIL THAT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT ACTUALLY DOES?!"
I left. VO5-less. I came home, singed hair hanging limply in my face. I decided to just curl up with my new InStyle magazine and zone out in front of the TV.
I have seen 3 commercials for VO5. I still have no idea what it does but I'm certain it would have solved all my problems today.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Change of Pants
Well, I'm back in my Depression Fleece. Geo left tonight after being here for what ended up to be not long enough, so on comes the fleece. And it is just not helping anything that I have a raging hangover from a super fun last night. We went to a wedding for one of Geo's friends and then met up with my brothers to drink every last drop of alcohol in the bar.
After I slept until 1 p.m., I woke up and was so hungry I started crying. But then after I ate World's Biggest Lunch with Geo and a couple friends, I still seemed to be crying. Geo started packing up all his stuff. One by one, his clothes went into the bag that I got him for Christmas, and my room got sadder and sadder. (Maybe he wouldn't have been able to leave if I hadn't gotten him that stupid giant bag.) He thoughtfully left some garbage lying around so I'd have something of his to curl up with during a scary movie.
To add insult to injury, I then had to be the one to literally drive him away from my house and to the airport. We picked his brother up on the way which really hampered my plan to sob hysterically all the way to the airport.
So yeah, the Depression Pants are on, my hair has yet to be brushed today, and my contacts keep falling out because all this water keeps leaking from my eyes. I'm, well, a mess.
But it's back to work tomorrow, and back to my old Single Girl routine. I'm assuming I'll adjust back eventually but until then, it won't be pretty. I had forgotten how comfortable these pants are, though...
After I slept until 1 p.m., I woke up and was so hungry I started crying. But then after I ate World's Biggest Lunch with Geo and a couple friends, I still seemed to be crying. Geo started packing up all his stuff. One by one, his clothes went into the bag that I got him for Christmas, and my room got sadder and sadder. (Maybe he wouldn't have been able to leave if I hadn't gotten him that stupid giant bag.) He thoughtfully left some garbage lying around so I'd have something of his to curl up with during a scary movie.
To add insult to injury, I then had to be the one to literally drive him away from my house and to the airport. We picked his brother up on the way which really hampered my plan to sob hysterically all the way to the airport.
So yeah, the Depression Pants are on, my hair has yet to be brushed today, and my contacts keep falling out because all this water keeps leaking from my eyes. I'm, well, a mess.
But it's back to work tomorrow, and back to my old Single Girl routine. I'm assuming I'll adjust back eventually but until then, it won't be pretty. I had forgotten how comfortable these pants are, though...
Friday, January 6, 2012
Hello, My Name is Stinkbutt
Well, Geo is pretty useless right now. Here were his two suggestions for tonight's blog:
"You should title it 'No Title' and then in the body just write 'This is a blog'. When people are all 'What?!' You just reply with one word: Art."
Second, he also said "Call it 'Don't hate me 'cause I'm Haitian'."
That simply made no sense.
Here's the deal. We went out tonight for some fun. I wasn't drinking, so Geo and my brother Perek did enough drinking for all of us. Since Geo is not a big drinker, I think the alcohol has shocked his system. And out come the terrible ideas.
Anyhoozle, we went out a little tonight because it is PEREK'S BIRTHDAY! w000000000t! Happy birthday, little broseph! We did all the things boys love to do: Beer, bowling, beer, Buck Hunter, beer, rum and cokes, and mini golf. Oh, then we stopped for McDonald's on the way home.
This is what happens when I hang out with guys. I LOVE it. I love love love it. No drama, no gossip, no real conversation of any kind, really. Just smack talk.
Oh, and funny nicknames. For bowling, my name was STINKBUTT. For Buck Hunter, I was STD and for golf I believe I was TSS (only having three letters makes people have to get creative). Mind you, I did not make these names up. They could only come from the mind of a boy.
I shouldn't have had so much fun, considering the general smell of our group and my level of sobriety. But I gut-laughed and told jokes all while holding my own in every game. Except for the golf. And the bowling.
But now I'm tuckered out from all the fun. I commented during the night, after smelling someone's belch and getting my butt kicked in bowling, that I missed this kind of fun so much. I wanted to elaborate, but the boys interrupted me by paying for my fries. How awesome is that?!
So that's that. A last, super fun guys' night out. Geo leaves on Sunday and then it's back to normal around here. I'll miss these nights (and my smoothly-shaved legs). Okay, back to ESPN for some NBA score updates. Maybe I won't miss it ALL...
"You should title it 'No Title' and then in the body just write 'This is a blog'. When people are all 'What?!' You just reply with one word: Art."
Second, he also said "Call it 'Don't hate me 'cause I'm Haitian'."
That simply made no sense.
Here's the deal. We went out tonight for some fun. I wasn't drinking, so Geo and my brother Perek did enough drinking for all of us. Since Geo is not a big drinker, I think the alcohol has shocked his system. And out come the terrible ideas.
Anyhoozle, we went out a little tonight because it is PEREK'S BIRTHDAY! w000000000t! Happy birthday, little broseph! We did all the things boys love to do: Beer, bowling, beer, Buck Hunter, beer, rum and cokes, and mini golf. Oh, then we stopped for McDonald's on the way home.
This is what happens when I hang out with guys. I LOVE it. I love love love it. No drama, no gossip, no real conversation of any kind, really. Just smack talk.
Oh, and funny nicknames. For bowling, my name was STINKBUTT. For Buck Hunter, I was STD and for golf I believe I was TSS (only having three letters makes people have to get creative). Mind you, I did not make these names up. They could only come from the mind of a boy.
I shouldn't have had so much fun, considering the general smell of our group and my level of sobriety. But I gut-laughed and told jokes all while holding my own in every game. Except for the golf. And the bowling.
But now I'm tuckered out from all the fun. I commented during the night, after smelling someone's belch and getting my butt kicked in bowling, that I missed this kind of fun so much. I wanted to elaborate, but the boys interrupted me by paying for my fries. How awesome is that?!
So that's that. A last, super fun guys' night out. Geo leaves on Sunday and then it's back to normal around here. I'll miss these nights (and my smoothly-shaved legs). Okay, back to ESPN for some NBA score updates. Maybe I won't miss it ALL...
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Dear Crabby
Well dudes, count yourselves among the lucky. I am officially off work until Monday, and still I blog. I know what can happen when a week goes by without help from Crabby. So awaaaaaay we go!
Dear Crabby,
I'm trying to find a tasteful way of telling my boyfriend he needs to, um, tend to the hair on his shoulders. How can I do that tactfully?
Thank you!!!!
Hairless in Hopkins
Hey HIH,
My suggestion is to just tell him to shave it if that's what you want. Me? I like to hang out with people who can grow hair on body parts that I can't. It's like hanging out with an alien. Another approach would be to casually start braiding his shoulder hair and tell him you think it's "pretty" when he asks what you're doing. He'll make it disappear post-haste!
Dear Crabby,
I've set my New Year's Resolution and I'm sticking to it!!! I've got a goal of losing 40 pounds this year. Any tips????
Thanks Crabbers!
-Fatty Fat Fat
Well hello there, FFF,
My advice is to either 1) discover a miracle weight-loss drug that does not kill people or 2) eat "right" and "exercise". That's what I've been told to do. Allegedly, it's a pretty easy thing to do. Carrots instead of cheese sticks?! No Way! I know, I know...but it'll help, I swear.
Listen guys, there are loads more questions that I have chosen to dismiss this week because I'm incredibly tired. I love you all, and I'm so glad you submit them every week to pharonsquare@gmail.com but two questions is all I can muster this week. Fear not! I will help TWICE as many people next week, okay? I'll catch you all on the flipside, k?
Dear Crabby,
I'm trying to find a tasteful way of telling my boyfriend he needs to, um, tend to the hair on his shoulders. How can I do that tactfully?
Thank you!!!!
Hairless in Hopkins
Hey HIH,
My suggestion is to just tell him to shave it if that's what you want. Me? I like to hang out with people who can grow hair on body parts that I can't. It's like hanging out with an alien. Another approach would be to casually start braiding his shoulder hair and tell him you think it's "pretty" when he asks what you're doing. He'll make it disappear post-haste!
Dear Crabby,
I've set my New Year's Resolution and I'm sticking to it!!! I've got a goal of losing 40 pounds this year. Any tips????
Thanks Crabbers!
-Fatty Fat Fat
Well hello there, FFF,
My advice is to either 1) discover a miracle weight-loss drug that does not kill people or 2) eat "right" and "exercise". That's what I've been told to do. Allegedly, it's a pretty easy thing to do. Carrots instead of cheese sticks?! No Way! I know, I know...but it'll help, I swear.
Listen guys, there are loads more questions that I have chosen to dismiss this week because I'm incredibly tired. I love you all, and I'm so glad you submit them every week to pharonsquare@gmail.com but two questions is all I can muster this week. Fear not! I will help TWICE as many people next week, okay? I'll catch you all on the flipside, k?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Diary of a Crazy Preteen
Hey friends. Not much to report today. I remember writing that exact same sentence in old diaries. I'd write something like "It's 9:43:07," (I had this super bomb Casio digital watch that gave hour, minute and second) and then I'd babble on about how I spent the day spying on my sister Padrin.
"It's 10:43:13 and Padrin is still on a date. It's 13 minutes past her curfew. She will get in trouble. Oh well! She said I could watch TV in her room so now I'm laying on her bed watching Speed. It's awesome!"
If the mood struck me, I'd write about my Crush of the Day.
"Eric put a note in my locker. He asked me out but I think I like John more. Should I write him back, Diary? I probably just won't talk to him at recess so he doesn't like me anymore."
Smug little jerk I was, huh?
Apparently, in between crushes, I had classes.
"Today I'm in a fight with my parents. They say I spend too much time on the phone and then they say things about my grades-which are all A's and B's, except for math. The thing is I HATE MATH! I don't understand it. My dad st down with me and spent a whole night on one lesson! That's how bad I am at it! Why won't my parents just accept that I am dumb at math?!"
One of my favorites was this one:
"Right now, in my life, I am having a lot of problems with ACNE!!!!!"
And then there's the one where I explore the dynamics of a large family:
"Padrin doesn't ever want to hang out with me." (Ed. Note: Why she wouldn't want to hang out with a 12-year-old who spies on her every moment is beyond me.) "Prinna is fun to be with and is the only one who talks to me. Peter gets to do whatever he wants all the time. Perek is a crybaby and always gets his way. Ugh! I guess this is what adolescence feels like!"
Hahaha! And I just found my New Years Resolutions from when I was 12-years-old. Among the gems are:
"Be more mysterious. Take more walks Take time out for myself. Learn from all kinds of people. QUIT GOSSIPING!!"
I was 12! Weirdo...
And finally, there was this very very prolific line:
"I just watched Clueless for the 5th time and I've found a whole new meaning to it."
Seriously? What a freak show...
P.S. CLAIRE JUST READ ME HER DIARY AND SHE SAID "I JUST DON'T THINK STUDENT COUNCIL SHOULD BE BOUGHT!" She was apparently very mad that her friend was campaigning and had made buttons, candy bar labels and stickers.
"It's 10:43:13 and Padrin is still on a date. It's 13 minutes past her curfew. She will get in trouble. Oh well! She said I could watch TV in her room so now I'm laying on her bed watching Speed. It's awesome!"
If the mood struck me, I'd write about my Crush of the Day.
"Eric put a note in my locker. He asked me out but I think I like John more. Should I write him back, Diary? I probably just won't talk to him at recess so he doesn't like me anymore."
Smug little jerk I was, huh?
Apparently, in between crushes, I had classes.
"Today I'm in a fight with my parents. They say I spend too much time on the phone and then they say things about my grades-which are all A's and B's, except for math. The thing is I HATE MATH! I don't understand it. My dad st down with me and spent a whole night on one lesson! That's how bad I am at it! Why won't my parents just accept that I am dumb at math?!"
One of my favorites was this one:
"Right now, in my life, I am having a lot of problems with ACNE!!!!!"
And then there's the one where I explore the dynamics of a large family:
"Padrin doesn't ever want to hang out with me." (Ed. Note: Why she wouldn't want to hang out with a 12-year-old who spies on her every moment is beyond me.) "Prinna is fun to be with and is the only one who talks to me. Peter gets to do whatever he wants all the time. Perek is a crybaby and always gets his way. Ugh! I guess this is what adolescence feels like!"
Hahaha! And I just found my New Years Resolutions from when I was 12-years-old. Among the gems are:
"Be more mysterious. Take more walks Take time out for myself. Learn from all kinds of people. QUIT GOSSIPING!!"
I was 12! Weirdo...
And finally, there was this very very prolific line:
"I just watched Clueless for the 5th time and I've found a whole new meaning to it."
Seriously? What a freak show...
P.S. CLAIRE JUST READ ME HER DIARY AND SHE SAID "I JUST DON'T THINK STUDENT COUNCIL SHOULD BE BOUGHT!" She was apparently very mad that her friend was campaigning and had made buttons, candy bar labels and stickers.
Monday, January 2, 2012
New Years Resolutions
We all made our resolutions for year, didn't we? I'm, uh, trrrrrible at making/keeping mine because they are always so unattainable (shower EVERY DAY?! Who am I, the Queen of America?!!?) I did manage to keep a few of my resolutions from last year (keep blogging-I even got a job doing it, stop doing laundry at my parents' house, learn how to put on makeup, and I haven't shopped at Forever 21 even ONCE) but failed miserably on some too (I still eat like a man some days, I still watch loads of TV marathons, and I still have roommates). So this year, I'm setting my sights a little lower.
By the way, I've already eaten pizza and fries and I'm currently drinking a glass of wine, so I've already ixnayed a bunch of my resolutions already.
* Start kickboxing again. I'm pretty good at it, and I'd like to be able to beat up Geo. You know, in case he ever back talks.
* Craft my brains out.
* Find/buy/raise a teacup piglet. Everyone keeps telling me it's a bad idea, but I'm the kind of girl who enjoys a challenge. Claire tells me I can't have "swine" in the house so part of the challenge will be keeping the piglet out of sight.
* Buy a car. This will be easy-peazy, considering I have to buy my car tomorrow. Stupes end-of-lease...
* Cheese is not a meal. Cheese is NOT A MEAL.
* Take more pictures. My brother Perek made me this awesome Christmas present, where he put a bunch of my Facebook pictures on a jump drive and then set it to music that HE SANG! (The song was a mash up of Lil Wayne and Adele...LOVESIT!!) He told me that all my pictures were like 2 years old, so it was kind of lame. This year, I'll take loads more pictures to document my crazy-exciting life.
* Learn about stocks and/or bonds. I'd really like to make some free money, and buying stocks and/or bonds seems to be a sure-fire way of accomplishing that.
* Seriously: THIS year I'll end up in my own pad. My own casa. An abode all to myself. Just me and my thoughts. And my teacup piglet, of course.
* And finally, just as I did last year, keep blogging. Much to your dismay, I intend to keep this blog goin!!
Well, those certainly sound doable, right? What about you guys?? What are you going to accomplish this year? Slap 'em in the Comments, friends!!
By the way, I've already eaten pizza and fries and I'm currently drinking a glass of wine, so I've already ixnayed a bunch of my resolutions already.
* Start kickboxing again. I'm pretty good at it, and I'd like to be able to beat up Geo. You know, in case he ever back talks.
* Craft my brains out.
* Find/buy/raise a teacup piglet. Everyone keeps telling me it's a bad idea, but I'm the kind of girl who enjoys a challenge. Claire tells me I can't have "swine" in the house so part of the challenge will be keeping the piglet out of sight.
* Buy a car. This will be easy-peazy, considering I have to buy my car tomorrow. Stupes end-of-lease...
* Cheese is not a meal. Cheese is NOT A MEAL.
* Take more pictures. My brother Perek made me this awesome Christmas present, where he put a bunch of my Facebook pictures on a jump drive and then set it to music that HE SANG! (The song was a mash up of Lil Wayne and Adele...LOVESIT!!) He told me that all my pictures were like 2 years old, so it was kind of lame. This year, I'll take loads more pictures to document my crazy-exciting life.
* Learn about stocks and/or bonds. I'd really like to make some free money, and buying stocks and/or bonds seems to be a sure-fire way of accomplishing that.
* Seriously: THIS year I'll end up in my own pad. My own casa. An abode all to myself. Just me and my thoughts. And my teacup piglet, of course.
* And finally, just as I did last year, keep blogging. Much to your dismay, I intend to keep this blog goin!!
Well, those certainly sound doable, right? What about you guys?? What are you going to accomplish this year? Slap 'em in the Comments, friends!!
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